Cancer means WARRIOR but it also means the ride of your life

So there I was, sleeping soundly with the vision of gumdrops running through my head when BAM! I woke up suddenly with a sharp pain on my left side. I tried to stretch it out. I tried to use the restroom. I didn't want to wake my wife, but I had no choice. I was on the floor in pain and it was 2am. She woke up to ask me what was wrong and I told her that I needed to go to the emergency room and that I would drive myself. She said absolutely not, and I told her that I did not want to wake the kids. We discussed calling 911, but I didn't want that unnecessary cost, so we called my best buddy who drove me to the emergency room. A CT scan and a shot of morphine later, the doctor told me that I had a kidney stone and that I needed to see a urologist.

When it comes to your health, you need to be your biggest advocate. The doctor's office tried to schedule me for an appointment over two weeks from my ER visit because I was a new patient. I kept calling and pushing and was able to see the doctor a few days after my visit. I visited the doc and he wanted me to have an x-ray and then a followup x-ray a week later to see if the stone had moved. Well, the kidney stone did not move and got stuck while traveling down to the bladder. The doc scheduled me for surgery to remove the stone. All of this transpired before the first date the doctor office had tried to schedule me for my initial visit.

A couple of weeks later the doc scheduled me to have an ultrasound to make sure that I was healing properly and that's when we found the mass on my left kidney. The doctor said that it was probably benign but he wanted me to have an MRI to make sure. I was scheduled for my MRI in early October, but my grandfather passed away in early October and I had to push my MRI back near the end of October. Two hours after my MRI the doctor called and told me that the spot was not benign and that he was scheduling me to visit a specialist. After receiving that news, my world suddenly stopped. I did not know how to respond or how to process this news.

I visited the specialist doctor a couple of days later to discuss options and we scheduled surgery to remove the mass. I am 15 days out of surgery and in those 15 days I spent two nights in the hospital, received word that the 1.7cm mass was cancerous and that we got it all the cancer out, and finally off all the pain meds. I have a 6 month CT Scan and X-ray followup, and that's where we stand today.

What have I learned? I have learned that God is good, no matter what. If it were not for the kidney stones, we would have never found the mass. I have learned that I need to slow down and enjoy my family and friends. I have learned that I am a cancer survivor and that I am not a victim but instead a victor in Christ. I have learned that the enemy does not fight fair and that pain meds really screw up my emotions. I have learned that it is about faith and not feelings, but the feelings are real and that we need to work though them.

Cancer means that people start to treat you a little differently and that cancer means fear. Cancer stopped me dead in my tracks for two days, but my faith never faltered. I laid it all down at Christ's feet. Cancer means fight and to never give in to your thoughts. Cancer means loves but most importantly cancer means warrior. Do not give in and do not give up.

Regards,
Jimmy

Let your light shine bright

Is it November 9th yet? You know, the day after the Presidential election. Are you tired of all the Facebook posts, blogs (including this one), commercials, talk shows, and mindless banter about the presidential race? Do not get me wrong, this is an important election just as those in the past and those in the future will be. We hear talk that this election will determine the Supreme Court justices and certain laws, blah, blah, blah. Those folks that are saying those things are correct, and each issue is important in its own right. I am one of those people that will research and spend some time studying before I vote, because there is wisdom in being informed and I feel as though it is my responsibility to vote and have my voice heard. But as a believer, have you stopped and prayed for our leaders?

Oh no, did I just Jesus juke you? Did I play the Jesus card and now you're either uncomfortable or you're ready to debate, or you're ready to stop reading and throw what I say aside? That's ok. You have every right to ignore what I say and you have every right to continue reading. This is my blog so I will share MY opinion and you can either take it or leave it. I believe in the bible and what is says. I believe that God this is the same today, yesterday, and forever. The Apostle Paul tells us to pray for all people. "Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth" (1 Timothy 2:1-4). The bible also tells me that what has been will be again, what has been done will be be done again, there is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9). This election is not new but the cast and crew is different. 

As we move closer to November 8th, election day, I ask that you pray for our leaders. No matter who is in the White House, my Lord and Savior is still King. Be an example and let your light shine bright. No one makes it out of this world alive and in the end, does it even matter? I shall try to continue to live what Ecclesiastes 3:9-13 says. "What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."

Father, I lift up all of our leaders and I pray that you give them the wisdom and strength to make the difficult decisions for our nation and world. I ask that you protect them from harm and that they may lean on you in everything that they do. I ask that those that do not have a relationship with you will open their hearts and trust in you. -Amen

Regards, 

Jimmy Clouse

A eulogy for a great man that I call Grandpa

For those of you that do not know me, I am Jimmy Clouse. I am the son of Jim Clouse and the grandson of Jack Clouse. I would like to share with you how I came about to stand before you to speak about my grandfather.

Before this sentence was even written, I had stared at a blank page for over an hour. My mind was just as blank as this page, and the blinking computer cursor was willing me to type. A week and a half ago, on October 3rd, 2016, my grandfather Facetimed me from the hospital bed, with the help of my Uncle John. It would be the the last time that I would speak to my grandfather. With the oxygen tube in his nose, his big glasses covering a quarter of his face, and in a fragile state, my grandfather told me that he was dying. I responded with my typical response to this statement...“Yes, but we are all dying.”  He replied back, “Yes. But I’m a little closer to death.” My grandfather asked me to write his eulogy just as I had done for my father. The only difference between this eulogy and my dad’s eulogy is that this time I was asked to write this by a dying man.

I am going to be honest. This eulogy will do absolutely no justice to accurately describe the kind of man that my grandfather was and there are no words strong enough to describe him. However, I will do my best to honor my grandfather’s dying wish.

You see, each man writes his own eulogy by living life to its fullest. My grandfather did just that. In the Good Book, Matthew 7:16 says that by their fruit you will recognize them. The fruit of my grandfather and grandmother came in the form of bringing three children into this world. From those three came six grandchildren and from those six grandchildren came ten great-grandchildren. The Clouse legacy will continue for generations to come because of my grandfather and grandmother and their parents before them and so on and so forth. My grandfather worked hard to build the Clouse family name upon a strong foundation of  love, life, honor, and family.

My grandfather was born in Jersey City, New Jersey on September 17, 1930. He was 86 years old when he departed this earth to join my grandmother, dad, and aunt. My grandfather is known by many names. He is called Dad, Brother, Uncle Jack, and Jack. He is called Master Chief Clouse, and he is called Grandpa. Of course my grandfather, without a doubt, would have told you that he is also known to some by a few more colorful names as well.

When my grandfather told me that he wanted me to write his eulogy, he wanted me to tell you that he retired as a Master Chief from the United States Navy and that he loved his job. He took great pride in wearing the uniform for 37 years and took tremendous pride in his work. He took even greater pride in serving this great country. It was my dad and my grandfather’s example that led my decision to join the military. I saw the pride that my grandfather had in his eyes every time he spoke of his career in the Navy and I wanted to feel that same pride. I wanted to follow in my Grandfathers footsteps and join the Navy. In fact, I had papers drawn up by the Navy recruiter to become a rescue swimmer but before I could even sign the papers my dad stopped me and suggested that I speak to the Air Force recruiter. My dad knew that I desired to be an Air Traffic Controller and so did my grandfather. My grandfather also encouraged me to join the Air Force because, as he would tell me, Air Force first built the golf courses and homes for its service members and then say “Hey. We need more money because we forgot to build the runway.” My grandfather would also go on to tell me that Airmen were nothing but prima donna’s and that I would fit right in. My grandfathers love of ships and the sea spilled over onto me. Not only do I love airplanes but I also love the sea. My grandfather also wanted me to share with you all that he loved Scotland and that he loved Ireland. His love for both places has only fueled my passion and desire to take my own family overseas to visit the land of my grandmother and to the places that my grandfather has visited.

My grandfathers sense of humor knew no bounds. He would constantly make me laugh during our conversations and he provided me with so much wisdom. My grandfather was, without a single doubt in my mind, the most stubborn man that may have ever walked this earth and I love him for that. When I was told by my Aunt Annemarie, in late September, that hospice was being discussed, I booked a flight for that next day, without question, from DFW to Norfolk so that I could be with my grandfather and my uncle while my grandfather was at Bayside Rehabilitation Center.  My Uncle John and I had to tell my grandfather that if my grandfather did go home, he would need to have professional assistance with him around the clock. In fact, my Uncle John and I had the difficult task of telling my grandfather that he was dying. With the nurse and doctor in the room with us, we had to tell my grandfather that his kidneys were failing him and that we did not know how long he had left. My grandfather looked at the medical team and told them that that was their opinion. I could not help but smile. I saw my grandfather stare down death for over two weeks and give death the middle finger. My grandfather was going out on his terms and God blessed my grandfather with a couple of extra weeks so that his family could properly say goodbye to him. My grandfather continued to fight and I was going to fight alongside with him. I remember getting emotional after we told my grandfather that he was dying and my grandfather told me to stop it. He told me that we can not change the inevitable. Even though my grandfather would not give up without a fight, he was also wise enough to know that we could not fight forever, no matter how much I wanted to.  

My grandfather instilled a strong work ethic in his children and grandchildren. There was not a Summer, during my youth, that I did not spend weeks at a time with my grandmother and grandfather working around their house. My cousin, Shaun, can also attest to this fact that when we were at my grandparents house, we were put to work. From yard work, to cleaning out the garage, to crawling under the house, or whatever task that my grandfather would think of, the work that we did for my grandparents instilled discipline and and a sense of responsibility in all of us. If I did not do a job right the first time, I had to go back and do it again until it was right. Before the military and Uncle Sam ever got its hands on me, my grandfather taught me what it meant to to work hard, to have integrity, and to be honest no matter what.

I have so many memories of my grandfather, just as you all do. It would take days, if not weeks, for us to share them all. From Christmas holidays, to Thanksgiving, to working around the house, to playing games, to listening to Celtic music. Stories. We all have them. I would, however, like to share a story or two, if I may. My grandfather was an excellent checkers player. He played this game a lot while in the Navy. Whenever my grandmother and grandfather came to my house, I would hound my grandfather to play a game of checkers with me. He taught me strategy, patience, how to lose gracefully, and how to congratulate your opponent when they beat you. He taught me how to work hard and to never give up. He was patient but firm. I can still remember his face the first time that I beat him in a game of checkers. He wasn’t too thrilled about it and it took a little nudge from my grandmother for him to even acknowledge that I beat him. It may have only been a game of checkers, but I now understand that he was teaching me a lot more than just playing a game. Other than strategy and patience, he taught me that sometimes things are not always what they seem and to never give up even when I am being cornered. He taught me ways to avoid being cornered in the game which would translate later into my life. Checkers taught me to see the bigger picture and it taught me about authority, reference the King. However, having a title, such as King, does not mean that you are leader. Any checker piece can take out the King. Whether my grandfather actually meant to teach me these life skills or not, I do not know, but his sacrifice to bond with me over multiple games of checkers, over and over and over again, taught me these skills.

My grandfather was there for me growing up. Whether it was a school play, my Eagle Scout banquet, or my high school graduation. He made every effort to be there. I remember seeing my grandfather’s face in the crowd while I was performing in downtown Norfolk, while in grade school and during the Christmas season. I puffed out my chest a little because I wanted to make him proud. He was there for me when I struggled with teenage life, when my dad died and before I was deployed to Saudi Arabia. I had to write my own will and he helped me do so. My poor grandfather was going to be left with my beat up truck that I bought for $500 and some of my dirty laundry, both literally and figuratively.  

My grandfather was a God fearing man and we would have many talks about God, heaven, life, death, my Grandmother, my Dad, and my Aunt, just to name a few topics. A couple of weeks ago I had asked my grandfather if he was scared to die. He answered no, that he wasn’t. I still remember a conversation that I had with my grandfather about religion. He was talking about Jesus and how his children were raised Catholic. He wanted to make sure that I had a relationship with Christ, which he knew that I did, and I also knew where he was going with the conversation. I was preparing myself. He asked me what religion I was and I told him that I considered myself a Baptist. He then proceeded to say that I was raised Catholic, and though I was a bad Catholic, at least I knew who Jesus was. That comment made me laugh pretty hard which in turn made my grandfather laugh.

My grandfather had a big heart and he taught me kindness and to sacrifice for others. My grandfather would give you the shirt off of his back, or give you a job, or lend you money, or give you a meal if you were hungry. He was a generous, but fair, man. He loved his family more than we could ever imagine. He was the cornerstone of this family and will be missed tremendously. I will miss the phone calls that my grandfather and I had about life, money, family, sports, traveling, etc. I will miss his laugh. I will miss his hugs. I will miss his handshakes and I will miss his praises and counsel. I will miss his admiration for my 40 hour a week job and I will miss knowing that he was just a phone call away for me to vent to or just share life with. I will miss my grandfather.

As I begin to complete this eulogy, I will again say that this eulogy will not begin to describe the type of man that my grandfather was. If I were to become half the man that my grandfather was, I will consider that a win in life. To those of you that knew my grandfather, you will understand when I say that his life was his eulogy and that he lived life to its fullest. My words will not be sufficient enough to describe the giant of a man that my grandfather was. After my dad died, I searched for any godly man that would fill that father figure role in my life. Little did I know that I would find that man and that it would take his death for me to realize it.

I can not end this without saying that without a shadow of a doubt, my grandfather is in Heaven. He had a personal relationship with Christ and I know that my grandfather would want me to tell you that none of us get out of this world alive. He would want me to tell you to live life, to enjoy family, and to stay out of trouble no matter what you do. Death is inevitable but a relationship with Christ is a choice. I pray that you choose to seek a relationship with Christ. It is not about religion. It is not about a set of rules to follow. It is not about being Catholic, or Baptist, or Methodist, or Lutheran, but it IS about relationship. It is about having a relationship with a God that sent his one and only son to die for each and everyone of us living on this rock, this rental home, that we call earth.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-12 tells us that death comes to all

1 This, too, I carefully explored: Even though the actions of godly and wise people are in God’s hands, no one knows whether God will show them favor. 2 The same destiny ultimately awaits everyone, whether righteous or wicked, good or bad, ceremonially clean or unclean, religious or irreligious. Good people receive the same treatment as sinners, and people who make promises to God are treated like people who don’t.

3 It seems so wrong that everyone under the sun suffers the same fate. Already twisted by evil, people choose their own mad course, for they have no hope. There is nothing ahead but death anyway. 4 There is hope only for the living. As they say, “It’s better to be a live dog than a dead lion!”

5The living at least know they will die, but the dead know nothing. They have no further reward, nor are they remembered. 6 Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. They no longer play a part in anything here on earth. 7So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! 8 Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne!

9Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. 10 Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom.

11I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time.

12People can never predict when hard times might come. Like fish in a net or birds in a trap, people are caught by sudden tragedy.

God knew the exact time my grandfather would join Him and God knew exactly what kind of footprint that my grandfather would leave on his family and this world. My grandfathers legacy will live on through my Uncle John, my grandfather's grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am still learning alot from grandfather even today. This going away party that we are having today for my grandfather was planned for and prepared for by my grandfather. While my grandfather was still with us, he prepared for this by ensuring his will and burial was taken care of. I ask that you consider doing the same for your own family.

I love you, Grandpa. I miss you and I will do all that I can to honor the Clouse name. I will continue to help those in need and will continue to work at putting others before myself. Each day I will strive to be better than you were with the hopes of being just like you. I will now honor my grandfather’s wishes by taking a copy of this eulogy, placing it in a bottle and throwing it into the sea. When this will actually happen is yet to be determined, but I will honor him by making it an awesome trip. Maybe I will do it when I visit Ireland, or Scotland, or maybe I will do it when I am enroute to the Caribbean.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to speak about my grandfather. I hope I did you proud, grandpa.

Love,

Your grandson, James Jr.

Unburying the buried emotion

How does a person that has stifled certain emotions for so long share those emotions? Are you that person? I am and to be honest I have become very good at not showing emotion. I would even rate myself as an expert, God Father level, on burying emotions. My wife tells me that burying my emotions is not good for my health. I understand that. I am sure that my Doctor friends will soon message me or comment that my wife is correct. They will dive into medical talk about how your blood pressure is affected or that keeping emotions locked in a cage will do damage to your heart. They might even explain how your brain gets rewired. But what does the Bible say about emotions? We will get back to that.

Miss Kay is a godly woman who showed me love and compassion when I needed it most. A paragraph or a book will do little justice on how vital Miss Kay was to shaping my life. You all know my testimony, and if you do not you are more than welcome to read some of my previous posts. Miss Kay opened her house, her family, her heart, her bible, and maybe most importantly her refrigerator to me. Don't get me wrong, my buddies and their folks opened their homes, hearts and refrigerator to me during my teenage years, but Miss Kay took the time to sit me down, pray with me and for me, and talked to me about God as often as I would let her. There is no doubt in my mind that when Miss Kay wakes up every day that the devil groans and says "Great. She's up again." Miss Kay is a warrior for God and to see this powerful woman today in ICU did something to my emotions. I began to feel emotions that I have kept hidden away since I saw my grandmother in the hospital as a 16 year old. My eyes began to leak.

They, whoever they are, say that real men show emotion. I suppose that's a cute thing to say and "they" may be right, but is that an accurate statement? We all are created in the image of God, whether you like it or not. We are blessed to feel emotions such as joy, happiness, sadness, and grief, just to name a few. But we should not allow emotions to control us. For instance, James 1:20 says "for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God". Have you heard the old saying "just follow your heart"? That is probably the worst advice you may ever receive in your life. Have you followed your heart to chase after that boy or girl? How did that end? Or how about following your heart to buy that big money purchase? How did that end? I could go on and on.

I am not saying that having emotions is bad or that we should not show emotion, but I am saying that we should not be guided by our emotions. We should be guided by the Holy Spirit. We should also share our emotions with fellow believers. Read Romans, Hebrews, Galatians, and 1 and 2 Corinthians to learn more.

I may be good at burying my emotions, but as a friend once shared with me "Buried emotions will soon be found and buried emotions will find a way to surface up". Credit John Dennis for saying that to me. Thank you for your prayers for Miss Kay. Thank you to Trudi, Kirk, Shirley, and Martin for being my unpaid therapists. And thank you to good friends who always have my back.

In Him,
Jimmy

Politics. It's what's for dinner.

Trump. Hillary. Feel the Bern. Ted. Are you ready for the madness that is also know as "Election Year'? I really do enjoy politics but I also enjoy turning off the computer, radio, and TV when I have had enough. I enjoy the strategy involved in politics and I enjoy reading some of the legislation that is introduced in the House and Senate just for the fun of it. I am certain that is not normal and that I should have myself committed because of my actions.

Are you one of those informed voters or do you vote for the best dressed person or do you vote for a candidate because your parents were a republican or democrat and that's how their parents voted before them? What if I told you that you no matter who is elected the one thing that remains absolutely clear is that we each need to take care of our own house first before we worry about what is going on in the White House? Let me try to adjust your focus just slightly, if I may. No matter what happens in the news, you will still have to go to work. You will still have to take your kids to school or if you do not have kids, you will have to fight through traffic to get to your event. You will still have to pay bills and you will still need to make wise choices about the financial decisions in your life. It does not matter who is in office, because you have to focus on you and your life.

Want to know a dirty little secret about life? Here is a spoiler alert...no one gets out of here alive. I'll give you a second to let that soak in. I know. I am such a jerk. I just told you how life ends. What if I told you that what is happening in the world today is not new. I believe in Gods word. I believe that God sent his son, Jesus, to die for my sins and yours. I also believe that we are called to love. I also believe in what Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

Do not get me wrong. You need to be informed on what is going on in the world and you are called to be informed. But if you claim to be a follower of Christ, then you that you are called to pray for our leaders. 1 Timothy 2:1-3 tells us to "First of all, I ask you to pray much for all men and to give thanks for them. 2 Pray for kings and all others who are in power over us so we might live quiet God-like lives in peace. 3 It is good when you pray like this. It pleases God Who is the One Who saves."

It is extremely easy for us to share our thoughts on social media, but it's hard to pray for those we may not completely agree with. But what if prayed for our leaders? Our neighbors? Our nation? Our world? What if our first priority was our own home? I would venture to say that if we did all of that, everything else would fall into place. Here's another spoiler alert...we do not live in a perfect world. 

Jimmy

A party pooper means what??

  I love my children. They are like little miniature adults. They have a great sense of humor. They laugh. They cry. They scream and yell. They are just like me which frustrates me to no end. But they are also comedy gold. For instance, my 5 year old son wanted to know what a party pooper was.  After explaining what a party pooper was to him he said "Oooohh. I thought is was someone that pooped at parties." There was also that time when he kept telling folks that we were going to watch the Penis Movie.  I tuned into the conversation after about the third time he told someone and had to correct him. "No, son. We are not watching a Penis Movie, we are going to watch a PEANUTS Movie."

  My 9 year old daughter is a little comedian herself, however she has entered the "Earning commission for the chores that I do" stage of life. In fact, I feel a little dirty because as I type this out she is out back cleaning up dog poop to earn money. But many kids and some adults today do not understand the concept of a four letter word called work, In fact, I know people who think that work is a four letter bad word.

  This post has mentioned the word poop about seven times and I am a little proud of that fact. But I do want to discuss something else. I want to discuss the importance of work. I came across an essay titled The Abolition of Work. To be fair, I have not read the essay but the title got me thinking about the message that the title delivers. What does the Bible say about work? After God created the Heavens and the Earth He created man. He placed Adam in a garden so that Adam could maintain it and cultivate it. In simple terms Adam worked and man has not stopped working. In fact, since the fall of man, work has gotten a little more difficult.

  I am going to share a secret that is not so secret. Find a job that you LOVE and you will never work a day in your life. My grandfather use to tell me that and I am sure that his grandfather told him that. No matter how you sweeten it, it is still work. Work builds character. Work builds discipline. Work builds confidence. Work is not a four letter bad word but lazy is. Teach your children while they are young. Teach them to work but also remember that God rested on 7th day.  Just as it is important to teach your kids the importance of work, it is also important to teach them to have fun. Find the balance. Do not ask me how to help you find that balance because I am still learning.

In Him,
Jimmy

Seven times Seventy

  I have been thinking a lot lately about a phone call that I received after I posted my last blog post. I was asked if I forgave my mom and dad. I'll give you the cliff notes of my last blog. Abuse, murder, alcohol, adultery, etc., etc. If you care, you can read my previous posts. But the question about forgiveness struck a chord in me and it got me thinking. Have I really forgiven my mom and dad?

  I can admit that I have struggled with forgiveness whether it has been my parents, past relationships, or even those in position of authority in my life. I talk to God often about my struggles to forgive. There have been also been times when I feel guilty if I allow my memories or emotions to creep up on me. Disclaimer: God is bigger than guilt, fear, and stubbornness. But did you know that the Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness? Matthew 18:21-22, one of my favorite verses, says:

"21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times."

  I am encouraged by this verse because Jesus is telling Peter to forgive at least 490 times! I also understand that it could take more than 490 times, but forgiving is not easy. Let's just go ahead and get that out of the way. I just wanted to share with you that if you have been struggling to forgive, talk to God. Talk to a parent or a trusted friend. Once you learn to forgive then you learn to win in life. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of obedience and strength. Who do you need to forgive?

In Him, 
Jimmy

The greatest testimony that made me sad

  I was 10 years old when I saw my mom kiss a man that was not my dad. My mom was married to my dad at that time. In fact, my mom and dad remained married even after my mom cheated on my dad. When my mom realized that I had seen her kiss the neighbor, she asked me to keep it a secret between me and her. I can still remember the feeling of pain and confusion that engulfed my heart. I was 12 years old when the phone rang in our little house in Norfolk, Va. My parents just received a call from family in Colorado that my grandmother, my mom's mom,  and uncle, my mom's half-brother, died. The truth of the matter was that my grandmother and uncle were both murdered by my grandfather. I was 16 years old when cancer took my grandmother, my dad's mom. I was 18 when I joined the military to get away from the abusive environment that I called home. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom had her share of issues. I was 20 years old and in the Air Force when my Assistant Chief Controller and my best friend told me that the Base Chaplain, Commander, and the Red Cross were trying to contact me to inform me that my dad has passed away. The last time I saw my dad was when I was stationed in Mississippi for Air Traffic Control school. This is a just glimpse of the testimony that I have shared with youth groups, in churches, at retreats, etc. etc. etc. 

 We all have a testimony to share, but we tend to get it confused in the church. Let me explain what I mean. It was a Wednesday night and I had just finished speaking to the High School youth group. I shared my story about how I felt all hope was lost in my life. I told them a story of a young boy who was beat with belts, sticks, fists, and anything else nearby. I told them a story of a young boy that took his dads gun to the beach and I told them a story of how that young boy cried out to God that night on the beach. That night on the beach I felt the presence of God. I went home, went to sleep, and drove myself to church the very next morning. I walked down the aisle to publicly proclaim that I was a Jesus Freak. After I shared my story I spoke and prayed with a handful of teens. But this one teenage girl got my attention. She had tears in her eyes and her face was red. I began to listen to this young lady tell me about her life. She told me that she grew up in the church from the time she was born. She told me that she had loving parents and that she had been a believer in Christ and a follower of Jesus for as long as she could remember. She had Christian friends and prayed with her family and friends almost daily. She read her bible almost daily. Then she hit me with these words that I will never forget. She was crying, she said, because she "would never have a testimony like mine."Wait...what?!

 You see, this young lady felt as though because she did not have a life of hell, that she could never reach people with her testimony. I spent the good part of an hour with her and her friends nearby. I told them that THEIR LIFE is the true testimony. In this day and age, it is harder to be Christian and to never stray from the Shepard's arms. Unfortunately, the church does a better job of holding those with a tarnished past on a pedestal and celebrating the life of the one who turned from drugs, an abusive relationship, etc. The church does not do nearly a good of a job of commending those that grew up in a loving and Christ centered environment and never strayed. I told this young lady that I WISHED I had HER testimony. 

 I share this not to take anything away from the person who turned their life around. I share this to tell the person who may read this and who may have never strayed that it's all good. You do not need a testimony riddled with abuse, murder, death, and dysfunction to share the good news of Christ's love. Be who God created you to be and don't be anything else. You were created for a purpose. Now go. Be the light. 

In Him, 

Jimmy