Cancer homework

  Sometimes in life we just have to acknowledge that we are not strong enough to tackle an issue by ourselves. I am certain that most of you are much better than I am about acknowledging this. It has been two months since my surgery to remove cancer from kidney. I have been handling being a cancer survivor ok, but I also recognize that my thoughts are being held hostage from time to time. it is still weird for me to hear someone call me a cancer survivor. Let me explain what I mean by my thoughts being held hostage before you go freaking out on me. My thoughts are being held hostage by "what if's". What if I did not have a kidney stone to catch the spot on my kidney? What if my six month scan reveals that the cancer has come back? What if I die? What if I lose my medical clearance and can't work to provide for my family? That last one is probably the biggest what if for me.

  Let me be clear, I know that if my life were to be snuffed out today, I would be spending eternity in Heaven with my maker. But that's not what is bothering my thoughts. It's the responsibility that I feel towards my wife and kids. Of course I am in no hurry to die. As Kenny Chesney said in his song, everybody wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to go now. I'll give a big AMEN to that. I know all the church answers. I know to lean on God and give all my doubts to him. I know to pray. But until you actually hear the doctor tell you that you have cancer, you don't really know what I am feeling. You won't know the doubts, fear, and struggles that come with the word cancer. Hence the reason I was given the homework to share my feelings. I could have spoken to my pastor or church members, but most of them would have said what I already know. I needed to seek out someone that has gone through the cancer journey. I needed to seek someone who has struggled with the voices of cancer and could give me the tools needed to overcome them. I needed to seek someone and I did just that.

  We will call my helper my Cancer Comrade. My Cancer Comrade and I met for about an hour and we discussed the journey that has suddenly changed my life. We will have many more discussions in the coming months. My best friends and work buddies and I joke about the fact that I had cancer but I know it's nothing more than a coping mechanism for me. Of course our jokes should not be shared out to normal people so I will just say that I have been able to use cancer as a punch line. Usually I can laugh, negotiate, charm, or sweet talk my way out of most things, but not this. I can't talk my way out of struggling to find my new norm. I feel powerless and that is the key word. Powerless. I am not in control of how my blood flows or the cells in my body. Sure, I can control my diet, my exercising, and what I drink, but that's really much it. I can't control my family history or control life in general. As I tell my kids, life's not fair.

  I was given homework to journal. That's an easy assignment since I find it much easier and much more enjoyable to write instead of talking. That's not to say I can't talk, but that's to say it's easier for me to make a correction in my sentence structure than it is for me to correct the inappropriate thing I just said. But what more can I say about cancer? No matter how much I type or how much I talk, I still seem to struggle to find my new direction. My Comrade can give me tips and I encourage anyone that is struggling to find a Comrade. Sometimes we have to journey alone, but there are times when we do not need to. Wisdom will help you figure out when it's ok to go at it alone and when you need help. There is nothing weak or wrong about asking for guidance.

  I have spent the last 24 hours digging up memories that apparently needed to be addressed. Many of you know my story so I will not bore you with it, but addressing past road blocks may be necessary. Do not dwell on the past but keep looking forward. Why do you think that the windshield in your car is bigger than your rearview mirror? It's because you need to focus on what is in front of you. Your future is much bigger and brighter than the looking at the past through your rearview mirror.

In Him,
Jimmy