Unburying the buried emotion

How does a person that has stifled certain emotions for so long share those emotions? Are you that person? I am and to be honest I have become very good at not showing emotion. I would even rate myself as an expert, God Father level, on burying emotions. My wife tells me that burying my emotions is not good for my health. I understand that. I am sure that my Doctor friends will soon message me or comment that my wife is correct. They will dive into medical talk about how your blood pressure is affected or that keeping emotions locked in a cage will do damage to your heart. They might even explain how your brain gets rewired. But what does the Bible say about emotions? We will get back to that.

Miss Kay is a godly woman who showed me love and compassion when I needed it most. A paragraph or a book will do little justice on how vital Miss Kay was to shaping my life. You all know my testimony, and if you do not you are more than welcome to read some of my previous posts. Miss Kay opened her house, her family, her heart, her bible, and maybe most importantly her refrigerator to me. Don't get me wrong, my buddies and their folks opened their homes, hearts and refrigerator to me during my teenage years, but Miss Kay took the time to sit me down, pray with me and for me, and talked to me about God as often as I would let her. There is no doubt in my mind that when Miss Kay wakes up every day that the devil groans and says "Great. She's up again." Miss Kay is a warrior for God and to see this powerful woman today in ICU did something to my emotions. I began to feel emotions that I have kept hidden away since I saw my grandmother in the hospital as a 16 year old. My eyes began to leak.

They, whoever they are, say that real men show emotion. I suppose that's a cute thing to say and "they" may be right, but is that an accurate statement? We all are created in the image of God, whether you like it or not. We are blessed to feel emotions such as joy, happiness, sadness, and grief, just to name a few. But we should not allow emotions to control us. For instance, James 1:20 says "for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God". Have you heard the old saying "just follow your heart"? That is probably the worst advice you may ever receive in your life. Have you followed your heart to chase after that boy or girl? How did that end? Or how about following your heart to buy that big money purchase? How did that end? I could go on and on.

I am not saying that having emotions is bad or that we should not show emotion, but I am saying that we should not be guided by our emotions. We should be guided by the Holy Spirit. We should also share our emotions with fellow believers. Read Romans, Hebrews, Galatians, and 1 and 2 Corinthians to learn more.

I may be good at burying my emotions, but as a friend once shared with me "Buried emotions will soon be found and buried emotions will find a way to surface up". Credit John Dennis for saying that to me. Thank you for your prayers for Miss Kay. Thank you to Trudi, Kirk, Shirley, and Martin for being my unpaid therapists. And thank you to good friends who always have my back.

In Him,
Jimmy

Politics. It's what's for dinner.

Trump. Hillary. Feel the Bern. Ted. Are you ready for the madness that is also know as "Election Year'? I really do enjoy politics but I also enjoy turning off the computer, radio, and TV when I have had enough. I enjoy the strategy involved in politics and I enjoy reading some of the legislation that is introduced in the House and Senate just for the fun of it. I am certain that is not normal and that I should have myself committed because of my actions.

Are you one of those informed voters or do you vote for the best dressed person or do you vote for a candidate because your parents were a republican or democrat and that's how their parents voted before them? What if I told you that you no matter who is elected the one thing that remains absolutely clear is that we each need to take care of our own house first before we worry about what is going on in the White House? Let me try to adjust your focus just slightly, if I may. No matter what happens in the news, you will still have to go to work. You will still have to take your kids to school or if you do not have kids, you will have to fight through traffic to get to your event. You will still have to pay bills and you will still need to make wise choices about the financial decisions in your life. It does not matter who is in office, because you have to focus on you and your life.

Want to know a dirty little secret about life? Here is a spoiler alert...no one gets out of here alive. I'll give you a second to let that soak in. I know. I am such a jerk. I just told you how life ends. What if I told you that what is happening in the world today is not new. I believe in Gods word. I believe that God sent his son, Jesus, to die for my sins and yours. I also believe that we are called to love. I also believe in what Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

Do not get me wrong. You need to be informed on what is going on in the world and you are called to be informed. But if you claim to be a follower of Christ, then you that you are called to pray for our leaders. 1 Timothy 2:1-3 tells us to "First of all, I ask you to pray much for all men and to give thanks for them. 2 Pray for kings and all others who are in power over us so we might live quiet God-like lives in peace. 3 It is good when you pray like this. It pleases God Who is the One Who saves."

It is extremely easy for us to share our thoughts on social media, but it's hard to pray for those we may not completely agree with. But what if prayed for our leaders? Our neighbors? Our nation? Our world? What if our first priority was our own home? I would venture to say that if we did all of that, everything else would fall into place. Here's another spoiler alert...we do not live in a perfect world. 

Jimmy

A party pooper means what??

  I love my children. They are like little miniature adults. They have a great sense of humor. They laugh. They cry. They scream and yell. They are just like me which frustrates me to no end. But they are also comedy gold. For instance, my 5 year old son wanted to know what a party pooper was.  After explaining what a party pooper was to him he said "Oooohh. I thought is was someone that pooped at parties." There was also that time when he kept telling folks that we were going to watch the Penis Movie.  I tuned into the conversation after about the third time he told someone and had to correct him. "No, son. We are not watching a Penis Movie, we are going to watch a PEANUTS Movie."

  My 9 year old daughter is a little comedian herself, however she has entered the "Earning commission for the chores that I do" stage of life. In fact, I feel a little dirty because as I type this out she is out back cleaning up dog poop to earn money. But many kids and some adults today do not understand the concept of a four letter word called work, In fact, I know people who think that work is a four letter bad word.

  This post has mentioned the word poop about seven times and I am a little proud of that fact. But I do want to discuss something else. I want to discuss the importance of work. I came across an essay titled The Abolition of Work. To be fair, I have not read the essay but the title got me thinking about the message that the title delivers. What does the Bible say about work? After God created the Heavens and the Earth He created man. He placed Adam in a garden so that Adam could maintain it and cultivate it. In simple terms Adam worked and man has not stopped working. In fact, since the fall of man, work has gotten a little more difficult.

  I am going to share a secret that is not so secret. Find a job that you LOVE and you will never work a day in your life. My grandfather use to tell me that and I am sure that his grandfather told him that. No matter how you sweeten it, it is still work. Work builds character. Work builds discipline. Work builds confidence. Work is not a four letter bad word but lazy is. Teach your children while they are young. Teach them to work but also remember that God rested on 7th day.  Just as it is important to teach your kids the importance of work, it is also important to teach them to have fun. Find the balance. Do not ask me how to help you find that balance because I am still learning.

In Him,
Jimmy

Seven times Seventy

  I have been thinking a lot lately about a phone call that I received after I posted my last blog post. I was asked if I forgave my mom and dad. I'll give you the cliff notes of my last blog. Abuse, murder, alcohol, adultery, etc., etc. If you care, you can read my previous posts. But the question about forgiveness struck a chord in me and it got me thinking. Have I really forgiven my mom and dad?

  I can admit that I have struggled with forgiveness whether it has been my parents, past relationships, or even those in position of authority in my life. I talk to God often about my struggles to forgive. There have been also been times when I feel guilty if I allow my memories or emotions to creep up on me. Disclaimer: God is bigger than guilt, fear, and stubbornness. But did you know that the Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness? Matthew 18:21-22, one of my favorite verses, says:

"21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times."

  I am encouraged by this verse because Jesus is telling Peter to forgive at least 490 times! I also understand that it could take more than 490 times, but forgiving is not easy. Let's just go ahead and get that out of the way. I just wanted to share with you that if you have been struggling to forgive, talk to God. Talk to a parent or a trusted friend. Once you learn to forgive then you learn to win in life. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of obedience and strength. Who do you need to forgive?

In Him, 
Jimmy

The greatest testimony that made me sad

  I was 10 years old when I saw my mom kiss a man that was not my dad. My mom was married to my dad at that time. In fact, my mom and dad remained married even after my mom cheated on my dad. When my mom realized that I had seen her kiss the neighbor, she asked me to keep it a secret between me and her. I can still remember the feeling of pain and confusion that engulfed my heart. I was 12 years old when the phone rang in our little house in Norfolk, Va. My parents just received a call from family in Colorado that my grandmother, my mom's mom,  and uncle, my mom's half-brother, died. The truth of the matter was that my grandmother and uncle were both murdered by my grandfather. I was 16 years old when cancer took my grandmother, my dad's mom. I was 18 when I joined the military to get away from the abusive environment that I called home. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom had her share of issues. I was 20 years old and in the Air Force when my Assistant Chief Controller and my best friend told me that the Base Chaplain, Commander, and the Red Cross were trying to contact me to inform me that my dad has passed away. The last time I saw my dad was when I was stationed in Mississippi for Air Traffic Control school. This is a just glimpse of the testimony that I have shared with youth groups, in churches, at retreats, etc. etc. etc. 

 We all have a testimony to share, but we tend to get it confused in the church. Let me explain what I mean. It was a Wednesday night and I had just finished speaking to the High School youth group. I shared my story about how I felt all hope was lost in my life. I told them a story of a young boy who was beat with belts, sticks, fists, and anything else nearby. I told them a story of a young boy that took his dads gun to the beach and I told them a story of how that young boy cried out to God that night on the beach. That night on the beach I felt the presence of God. I went home, went to sleep, and drove myself to church the very next morning. I walked down the aisle to publicly proclaim that I was a Jesus Freak. After I shared my story I spoke and prayed with a handful of teens. But this one teenage girl got my attention. She had tears in her eyes and her face was red. I began to listen to this young lady tell me about her life. She told me that she grew up in the church from the time she was born. She told me that she had loving parents and that she had been a believer in Christ and a follower of Jesus for as long as she could remember. She had Christian friends and prayed with her family and friends almost daily. She read her bible almost daily. Then she hit me with these words that I will never forget. She was crying, she said, because she "would never have a testimony like mine."Wait...what?!

 You see, this young lady felt as though because she did not have a life of hell, that she could never reach people with her testimony. I spent the good part of an hour with her and her friends nearby. I told them that THEIR LIFE is the true testimony. In this day and age, it is harder to be Christian and to never stray from the Shepard's arms. Unfortunately, the church does a better job of holding those with a tarnished past on a pedestal and celebrating the life of the one who turned from drugs, an abusive relationship, etc. The church does not do nearly a good of a job of commending those that grew up in a loving and Christ centered environment and never strayed. I told this young lady that I WISHED I had HER testimony. 

 I share this not to take anything away from the person who turned their life around. I share this to tell the person who may read this and who may have never strayed that it's all good. You do not need a testimony riddled with abuse, murder, death, and dysfunction to share the good news of Christ's love. Be who God created you to be and don't be anything else. You were created for a purpose. Now go. Be the light. 

In Him, 

Jimmy

Passion? What does that mean?

Passion is just another word for emotional. My work mama, Pammy, taught me that. So what do you get passionate about? When I was younger I was passionate about sports, especially my Denver Broncos and New York Yankees. In fact, there was a time when the Broncos lost the Superbowl. Which time, you ask? Well, I was around when the Redskins, Giants, 49er's, and most recently the Seahawks beat down my Broncos. In fact I was so emoti..er...passionate about my Broncos that I cried when the 49er's beat the Broncos 55-10 in 1990. Yes. I cried like someone stole my candy. But times have changed. The older I get the more I have realized that I am not the one getting paid millions for dollars to play the game, so why get so wrapped up in a win or loss? Amazing. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth.

I am passionate about about the beach, Margaritaville, and margaritas. I grew up in the Norfolk/Va. Beach area. Since I have now lived in the South longer than my school years in Virginia, I consider myself a Texan. Plus, I worked so hard to get to Texas, my babies are Texans, and I love everything about Texas, that I can not imagine calling any other place home. But my heart is still at the beach. My main goal is to get Miriam and I back to the beach permanently. But first, I have work to do. Oh, I failed to mention that getting back to the beach does not mean Va. Beach or points north. I mean possibly the Gulf Shores area, but who knows. Everyone needs a goal.

I am passionate about my relationship with Jesus. I grew up in an abusive home, with an alcoholic dad, a mom who was verbally and at times physically abusive as well. My testimony is not for the faint of heart. There was a time when I contemplated suicide at the age of 17, and I had a loaded gun to my head. But in that moment of darkness, a LIGHT broke through. That light was my Father in Heaven wrapping his arms around me. The next day I drove myself to my church, First Baptist Church of Norfolk and committed my life to Christ and to help those that grew up in an environment like mine or even worse.

I am passionate about my wife and kids. Sure, they can get on my nerves sometimes, but I am 100% certain that they would say the same thing about me getting on their nerves. Even though my dad is dead and my relationship with my mom and extended family is pretty much non-existent, I am blessed to be able to have my own family that I can change the House of Clouse legacy. I also have two sisters that I am slowly trying to repair the relationship with. You see, I became a master of cutting people out of my life. In fact, I am still pretty good at it. Not that that is something to brag about, it's just the ugly truth. Everyday I try to do better. Key word: Try.

I am passionate about raising money for St. Jude. I would like to think of myself as a good friend or at least someone that you could count on to go to battle with. I have friends that lost a grand baby to cancer, and I have friends that lost their baby to cancer. Cancer, in my opinion, sucks just as bad as Multiple Sclerosis, and I want to find a cure for cancer just as much as I want to find a cure for MS.

I am passionate about NATCA. I have said this many times, but I have wanted to be an Air Traffic Controller since I was 12 years old. NATCA allows me to have a voice in working conditions, agreements, and about improving my dream job.

I am passionate about finding a cure for MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS. Let me be honest. I am not the perfect husband, or father, or friend. I am not even the perfect employee. BUT, when I set my mind to something it's either all or nothing. I have my flaws. I have skeletons in the closet. I have those that would love to see me fall and celebrate in my failures. I am not blind. With all of that said, I WILL NOT QUIT! I will find a cure for my wife. I took a vow and in that vow I repeated the words "For in sickness and in health." There are other things I am passionate about such as coffee, bacon, buffalo wings, books, jazz music, tropical music, etc. etc., etc., but I don't want to bore you.

I don't know what you're passionate about, but be a WORLD CHANGER. Find something useful to be passionate about. You know, like joining the MS Society, or collecting clothes for the homeless. Find something that will help people be better. Find that something, latch on to its throat, and don't let go until you win! Are you pumped? Are you ready!!!! Then go, World Changer. Change the world!!

Jimmy

Multiple Sclerosis awards dinner transcript 15 Oct 15

What does Multiple Sclerosis mean? A quick google search defined multiple sclerosis as:

mul·ti·ple scle·ro·sis

noun

1. a chronic, typically progressive disease involving damage to the sheaths of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, whose symptoms may include numbness, impairment of speech and of muscular coordination, blurred vision, and severe fatigue.

My lovely bride, Miriam, was diagnosed with MS close to Christmas and my birthday in 2007. She had been telling me for months that she had numbness from her waist down. I suggested that she go to the doctor after a few more complaints of numbness, but she decided to stop her birth control. She thought that her new prescription could be the cause of the numbness. She stopped the birth control and the numbness went away, but not for long. By this time I became callous to her complaints of numbness because it was the same old song and dance. Miriam would complain of numbness, I would suggest that she go see a Doctor, and around and around we went. It wasn’t until a Facebook message that Miriam had with her friend that convinced her to go to the Emergency Room. Her friend suggested that Miriam might have a blood clot and off we went to the ER with a 14 month old daughter whom had a fever and double ear infection.

When we arrived at the ER, the nurses began to get to work getting Miriam’s vitals. After Miriam changed into a hospital gown, they whisked her away for an MRI. I was beginning to feel frustrated because I had my daughter in my arms, she was burning up because of her ear infections, and my wife was being sent back for tests which I thought was a complete waste of time and a complete waste of a copay that we struggled to scrape up anyways. When Miriam returned to the room I could tell that she could sense my frustration. However, my frustration quickly turned to disbelief and shock when the Doctor entered the room with the MRI results. He informed us that the MRI showed that Miriam had a lesion on her brain. My first thought was cancer but I had no idea what a legion on the brain meant. The ER doctor told us to make an appointment with a Neurologist after the holidays but still did not tell us what was going on. After convincing the doctor to give me his opinion, he said that he thought Miriam had Multiple Sclerosis. My heart sank. I immediately began to feel guilt because I thought that Miriam was fine and we were wasting our time at the ER. I began to feel sad at the thought of losing my wife. I began to go through an array of emotions. The doctor sent us home with one instruction. Stay. Off. The. Internet. He didn’t want us to Google Multiple Sclerosis. We did anyways.    

After our appointments at the turn of the calendar, and spinal tap, and MRI’s, I knew that I needed to do something. I needed to support my wife. I needed to let her know that I was not going anywhere and that I was going to be by her side until the day that I die. For sickness and in health. So I began to search the internet and landed upon the MS Society’s webpage. There was an MS Walk in Addison and I could participate by walking, raising money, and forming a team. We had a small group for our first MS Walk in 2008. I didn’t raise a lot of money, but I knew that the money that I did raise was going towards a great cause. Year after year I raised money and eventually formed my MS Team, MS Busters which I later changed to Kicking Asphalt. Usually it’s just my family and a few friends that participate in the walk and that’s ok with me. All I really want is their money and I tell them that. I just want to find a cure and I also want to bring awareness to this disease that has changed our lives.

But what does Multiple Sclerosis actually mean? It means that your life has changed. It means doctors appointments and medicines and needles. It means feeling fatigued. It means symptoms and tests. It means MRI’s. It means fighting the negative thoughts that creep into our minds. BUT Multiple Sclerosis also means family. It means togetherness. It means fun. It means MS Walks and MS Dinners. It means not fighting alone. It means shaving my head , painting it orange and wearing an orange tutu. It means that we will not be beat by MS. We will fight. We will bring awareness and We. Will. Win!

The House of Clouse, Team Kicking Asphalt,  isn’t all about rainbows and unicorns. We have had a relapse. We have had days when the Summer heat zaps our energy. Notice that I keep saying “We”, because we are one. Unless we are at the mall of course, then she is on her own. But we have had our struggles. We have had questions.  We have done our homework on which medicines were the best for our needs. We have surrounded ourselves with a solid church family and we have prayed. But most importantly, we have not given up.

I encourage each of you to become a trailblazer. Make the 2015-2016 fundraising year the best you have ever made it. Form a team, become a team captain, become the top fundraising team! Just joking. Be the second top fundraising team because I will continue to push Team Kicking Asphalt to be number 1. Become competitive during this fundraising year, but remember the number one goal is to find a cure. Raise just $100 more than you did in 2015. Invite one more person than you did in 2015.

I will not give up! I ask that you join me in making the 2015-2016 Fundraising year the best. year. ever. Let’s make it a record breaking year for Ft. Worth. I do not know what I will do for this walk. Maybe wear an orange tuxedo, or dye my beard orange. Right now I have no idea. But I promise you that I will not give up. I will continue to fight to find a cure for my wife and for you.

Thank you for all that you do. Thank you to Lily and to the amazing staff and volunteers at the MS Society. Thank you to all who have joined us tonight and thank you to all who have fought beside me to find a cure. We. Will. Win!! We. Will. NOT. Be. Beat.

Goodnight.