Let's get real.

   I can easily hide behind a blog or a Facebook status.  I am very outgoing..with people I know. It's like a chess match when I meet you.  I am already doing a few things.  I am looking for the nearest exit or I'm waiting to see if you can surprise me by saying something witty.  Chances are that you are not, so I'm bailing.  Me and my lovely bride have been together for nearly 8 years and it just dawned on her that I am an Introvert of sorts.  She is quite opposite.  We like to keep up with the old saying that opposites attract. My wife enjoys meeting new people and conversing with people she just met.  I, on the other hand, consider it a beating.  I am cordial, or at least I think I am before I get the debriefing later on from my wife.  I am 100% certain that all couples receive a debriefing once they are away from the people they just met.  I am certain that couples have left my presence and have asked themselves, "What just happened?"   I don't get nervous speaking to big crowds, or giving a presentation to a room of Managers, or even speaking my mind to anyone, anywhere, anytime.  I have shared my testimony to a handful of churches, and I don't mind keeping to myself.  I say that I could be happy on an Island, just as long as I could bring my wife.  I once asked my wife how she would like to live in England while I worked as an Air Traffic Controller.  She asked me for how long and my response to her was "Forever."  She didn't like that idea very much.

  I have prayed many, many, many times for the strength to forgive.  My dad has been dead for over 13 years, and I still struggle forgiving him for the stuff he did.  What's up with that?  Me and my wife raised my sisters son for over a year, and I had to go to court in Virginia about the whole ordeal.  The court granted my sister a second chance, but it was more like the 20th chance.  We sent him packing, placed him on a plane, and watched my daughter cry and cry on our drive home.  I was depressed for about 2 weeks, and guess what?  I still haven't forgiven her, nor have I spoken to her since then.  Harsh?  Sure.  Right?  Probably not.  I'm sure some of you struggle with forgiving others too, and I want you to know that I'm right there with you.  I also struggle with guilt.  If I make a mistake while raising our children, I let it eat at me until I over analyze it and try to make it better.  The same thing will happen if I upset my wife.  However, if I upset someone else, I brush it off and never think about it again.  Now that is strange, am I right?

  I am not perfect, but I do love Jesus.  At least I haven't killed a man, so I can get his wife and knock her up like King David did.  And God still said that David was a "Man after [Gods] own heart."  That is what gets me through some rough spots when the shadows of my past try to bring me down.  Some of you don't know that there is a battle going on right now over you.  There are only 2 places you go when you die...Heaven or Hell.  And there is a battle going on right now over your soul.  Kind of mind blowing, isn't it?  I mean, really.  Come on now.  That's crazy talk.  Well, it isn't.  Have you been somewhere and had a crazy thought run through your head and if you ever told someone about it you'd probably wind up in jail or a crazy house?  Ever been hit by guilt that it has almost taken your breath away?  Ever lose your mind and yell and hurt someone you have loved?  Has envy crept up on you like a shadow?  Ever get jealous because someone has a bigger house, a nicer car, a better job, better clothes, closer friends, a better vacation than you have?  Ever look at some church members and in your mind knocked them down so low in order to make yourself feel good?  Have you tried to compare yourself to the Super Parents who appear to have it all together?  Have you feared stepping out in faith?

  I'm not a perfect parent, a husband, or friend.  My parenting style is one of "Let them get hurt.  They'll learn."  This is just an example of why a mom and dad are important.  My wife is a mother and a comforter, meaning that if the kids run to her, she will comfort them and make them do it again.  My kids will fall and hurt themselves and bleed and run to mommy to get fixed and bandaged up.  If mommy isn't around, they know they better get up and rub some dirt on it, because ain't no one got time for that.  I can also see the difference from girl children to boy children.  My daughter is super smart.  Sometimes, when you speak to her, you forget she is a child.  She is very articulate, neat, clean and for the most part she is proper.  She is a deep thinker and an analyzer.  Then comes my son.  He is nothing like that.  He eats anything.  Dirt, rocks, grass.  If I don't pick up that dog poop quick enough in the back yard, he will gravitate towards it and wants to play in it.  If my daughter builds a work of art out of blocks, the boy will take on the role of Godzilla.  He runs into walls, he randomly hits his head, and all he thinks about is cars, football, baseball, basketball, and superheros.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I believe that boy children only have 2 brain cells.  The "Do the right thing" cell, and the "Do the wrong thing" cell.  I'm 33 and I know that these 2 brain cells will creep up every now and then and take over all other senses.  Don't get me wrong, I love each one of my kids equally.  Like I told my daughter, I don't love my right arm more than my left arm.  I love them equally.

  I have a love/hate relationship going on with Texas right now and it is base solely on Weather.  I love Texas from about October to May.  I hate Texas from June-September.  Have you ever seen something spontaneously combust?  I have.  I have seen birds and cars and humans burst into flames in the middle of Summer of Texas.  If the temps were Highs in the 80's and Lows in the uppers 50's-Low 60's year 'round, that would make me very happy.  I miss the beach.  But have zero desire of going back to Va. Beach.  ZERO.

  People who grew up in one place and happen to still live there confuses me.  But that's because I left for the military as soon as I could.  I know that those who stay have a good relationship with their family, and that probably makes it easy for them.  When I am around family, I have a BEST BY date attached to me, and it isn't that long.  When I was stationed in Germany, I wanted to live as far away from Base as I could so I could enjoy and learn the culture.  I consider those that whine because they live 300 miles away from family a big cry baby.  I want to make the crying sound...waa, waa...and tell them to man up.  Dudes I went through Boot Camp with cried in their bunks at night because they were away from their family, and it annoyed me.  One, because they woke me up, and Two, these were dudes that were suppose to look danger in the face and fight.  There are some things I miss about the military, like never having to worry about what to wear since I had to wear BDU''s all the time, and the structure and toughness of the military.  Civilians confuse me and they whine and feel entitled.  What makes you feel entitled?  Would you be willing to take a bullet for this great country?

  Here's something that I really like to banter with church folk about.  The Sabbath Day.  What day is the Sabbath Day?  Some have actually said I shouldn't work on Sunday.  Where in the Bible does it say that the Sabbath in on Sunday?  I know that God rested on the 7th day.  What if you're Sunday is actually on Wednesday?  I know that there were men in the military in the Bible.  What if they were fighting on Sunday and Monday was there day off?  Anyways, that's just a rabbit hole I went down.  There are other things that "Religious" people will try to argue.  But it's not about Religion, it's about having a Relationship with Christ.  Go sell that Religion stuff somewhere else.

 I guess in all of this, I just wanted to say that I had no direction for this Blog post.  I just wanted to write something, and if you happened to read all of it, then God Bless your soul.  This may be 5 minutes of reading that you'll never get back in your life.  And that makes me giggle a little bit.  Just be real.  Don't try to be like that parent who you think has it all together, because I'm here to tell you, they don't.  I can't be 100% certain, but I'm willing to bet your paycheck on it.  Don't believe what everyone posts on Facebook.  Hardly anyone posts the bad stuff on Facebook.  Maybe I should create a website and call it Dramabook, where all "To good to be true" Facebook posts are sucked up into the Vortex of Happiness.  Don't be afraid to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  It's a humbling experience to ask your child to forgive you.  Don't give up if you're struggling to forgive.  Heck, I still struggle, but I don't give up in prayer and and changing my attitude.  Don't be afraid to fail, and Don't yell at your kids for making a mistake.  They are  just kids.  And if you have a boy child....I wish you luck because you will need a special strength from God.  Be real, because you don't want the Pastor to lie about your life when you die.

The Clouse....who has more to say, but I suddenly got bored. And PS:  I didn't proof read this, so all grammar and writing mistakes are legit.

The loss of life. How do we respond?

  I am by no means an expert on death.  However, I feel led to write this blog for a special young lady that is close to mine and Miriam's heart, as well as our kids.  This young lady I speak of has already experienced losing people that she knew and that she adored.  

Ecclesiastes 1:9

New International Version (NIV)

⁹ What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.

  My family doesn't really talk about the "skeletons" in the closet.  I suppose not many people do.  I only speak of the skeletons to help people and not to seek sympathy.  Plus, as my wife will attest to, I am very guarded.  I constantly have my defenses up.  I calculate almost everything I do.  I guess that's just a trait I learned as an Air Traffic Controller.  Who knows.  I try not to be that way around her, but I fail miserably.  I know my faults and try to change them.  

  When I was 12 years old and living in the Tidewater area of Virginia, my family got a phone call.  My Grandfather had murdered my Grandmother and my Uncle in Colorado.  We don't know why my Grandfather snapped, but what I do know is the pain of loss I felt.  I will never know the same pain my cousins felt in losing their dad until years later.  

  When I was 15-16 years old, my dads mom, my Grandmother, took her last breathe minutes before we arrived at her house to say our "Good-bye's".  She lost her battle with cancer and it was tough seeing her become frail and weak.  The numbness I felt would be there for some time.  I was close to my Grandmother and my dads dad, my Grandfather Jack.  I spent most Summers at their house, cleaning and doing yard work, and doing whatever job my Grandfather would find for me to do.  

  And last, but surely not least, I lost my dad when I was 20 years old.  The last time I saw my dad alive I was 18 years old.  This will not be the last time I see death in my lifetime, but there was always a nagging question.  Why?  

  Suffering, in many ways, remains a mystery, one that we will never fully understand this side of eternity. We can, however, glean these truths from God's Word:

• Suffering produces intimacy with God (Job 42:5).
  Job, who endured unspeakable suffering, said, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
  Intimacy with God is often borne in the furnace of affliction.
  "There's an opening of the soul that happens during times of stress or duress," says Dr. Hager, an associate minister in the Washington D.C. area.
  "During times of suffering, we experience God at a deep, profound level."
• Suffering equips us to comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
  Suffering gives us compassion for others who are hurting, enabling us to minister more effectively.
  "Sufferers want to be ministered to by people who have suffered," writes Stephen F. Saint in his essay, "Sovereignty, Suffering, and the Work of Missions."
  "People who suffer want people who have suffered to tell them there is hope. They are justifiably suspicious of people who appear to have lived lives of ease." Those who have suffered make the most effective comforters.
  
• Suffering refines us.
  We can read in Isaiah 48:10 that "…I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."
  The meaning of this verse makes it clear that pain and suffering have a way of bringing our strengths and weaknesses to the surface. When the dross floats to the surface, God skims it off; he purifies and refines us to be the radiant bride of Christ.
  
• Suffering produces growth and maturity (James 1:2-4).
  If we turn toward God in our pain, He can use our suffering to mature our faith. We see this biblical truth illustrated through the persecuted church. After hearing their testimonies, few would deny that suffering produces beauty and maturity of spirit.
  
• Suffering conforms us into God's image (Romans 8:28-29).
  We may be tempted to read these verses to say that God will bring good out of everything. While He can and does redeem pain in our lives, these verses speak of being conformed to God's image through our suffering.
  
  
  
  I have felt the pain of what I would consider Hell itself.  You may or may not have suffered loss the way I have, but it doesn't mean that the pain you feel is not real.  We don't understand why God allows the things He does to happen.  I do know that when sin entered the world, so did death.  The pain will go away, and the saying "time heals all wounds" is pretty accurate.  I encourage you to the read the book of Ecclesiastes.  There is profound wisdom in that Book.  Please pray for those who have lost someone close.  As believers, we can celebrate their life and have comfort knowing that one day we WILL see them again.  Right now those believers are in Heaven. Amen!
  
  In Him,
  The Clouse
   

Make your own family. Key ingredients: God, Water, Love, and Sarcasm. Mix well. Serve chilled.

   As an Air Traffic Controller, we tend to miss a lot of important events.  We work rotating shift work.  We work Weekends and Holidays.  We miss the Thanksgiving dinner and we miss the Christmas morning madness.  Many of us are Veterans and know what it's like from our time in the service.  But like those who serve in our military, Controllers chose to do this job.  We knew what were signing up for.  We miss parties, graduations, weddings, funerals and church.  We miss working those "normal" hours where it's not such a beating on our families and our bodies.  Many of us still struggle to get into a routine of working out because we are just plain exhausted at weeks end.  Many of us also live away from families.  However, not many share my story.

   I was 12 years old when I was introduced to Air Traffic Control and I knew then that that was the job I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I was also in a hurry to get away from home.  I needed to get away from an abusive and alcoholic dad and a mom who it's hard for me to explain in words the type of person she is.  I love my mom, because she brought me into this world.  My dad died when I was 20 years old but the last time I saw him I was 18 or 19 years old him before seeing him the casket.   All I remember is that I was in Air Traffic Control school at Keesler Air Force Base, Biloxi, Mississippi and I was there from Nov. '98- April '99.  I had already cut ties in my mind with my mom and dad because I was free from abuse and free from exasperation.

  I am now 33 years old with a family of my own an I have a wife who desperately longs for "family."  She is close to her family, while I don't rely on anyone to get me through.  However, I am starting to realize the affects a family can have on my kids.  Living in the great state of Texas, and away from family makes me aware that I don't want my kids to be anything like me.  And this is where God comes in.  Growing up in Norfolk and finding any means to get to church at First Baptist Church, Norfolk, God allowed a young married couple to come into my life.  I still tell the story today to youth that getting to know the names of those around you and introducing yourself to new people who visit your church or Sunday School is very, very important.  That's what Greg did.  He took the time to know my name.  He took the time to learn who this young, teenage punk kid was.  I was blessed enough that Greg had someone smarter than him to help him.  His wife, Vicki.

  After graduating High School and joining the Air Force, and with Greg and Vicki moving, I didn't give anything or anyone a second thought.  I was free from Norfolk.  Though the Tidewater area may be a nice place, in my mind I wanted nothing to do with it.  It wasn't until a chance "Friend Request" on Facebook that Miriam an I learned that Greg, Vicki, and their daughter Katie lived just mere minutes from us.  Here.  In Texas.  Of all the places, and all the locations, they lived close by us.  And this is where God uses his large mixing bowl and throws in some water, love and sarcasm.  They make up a family.  Katie is a little sister who I remember as a baby no older than my son is now.  I harass her like an older brother would and I am very protective of her. I refer to Greg as Dad and Vicki as Mom.  My kids call them Mimi and Apple.  I don't know how Greg got stuck with the name Apple, but it has stuck and that's what they call him.  Proverbs 18:24 says "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  This is very important to learn and to meditate on.

  Me and Miriam have also been blessed with great friends.  I have tons of friends, but only a few whom I can truly be real with. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."  That hit me pretty hard, because I was constantly running solo.  I didn't need anyone.  When I fell, I picked myself up, which only contributed to my heart being hardened.  I obtained my college education on my own.  I am not a perfect man, nor am I a bible scholar, but I do love God with all my heart.  Just like King David.  But unlike David, I haven't killed anyone.  I continue to fall and stumble, but I now have "friends" and "family" I can turn to.  I have D, Jason, Cus, Scott, Gift and Fowler that God placed in my life.  Different dudes, with different ways of living life, but whom I consider my core group.  God has placed women in Miriam's life whom I consider sisters from another mister.  One of those being Anna.  She's about as crazy as they come and I swear one day she will drive head on into me and I will have to make a choice.  Drive off a cliff or brace for impact.  But she too is like a sister.  I'll stab a person who jacks with her or anyone else I consider family.  I kid, I kid.  But seriously. 

  God has mixed in love in my life, and that love of my life is the one person who really, really knows me.  She knows how jacked up I am.  She knows all my jokes and will finish them before I can.  She is the only woman who will put up with my crap, and the strongest woman I know.  Miriam has MS, stays home with our children, whom probably should be placed in a Zoo at times, and is still the hottest woman I know.  No, she is not standing behind me while I type that.  Putting up with me is enough, but throw all that in and she is Wonder Woman. Proverbs 31:10 says, "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."  Without Miriam in my life, I am nothing, and God knows this.  Yes yes yes, I know God is the most important being in my life, so you can save yourself the trouble of counseling me. 

  God is smarter than me.  God knew the steps I would take and placed people along my path to help me.  I didn't do all those things.  I mean, I did, but not with help from the Man upstairs.  If all of us just take a few minutes to replay our life, you'll see where God was the whole time.  Think about your growing up.  Think about your friends, or that marriage, or that divorce.  Think about the job you have, the job you've lost, the money you have and the money you've made.  Think about the good times and the bad times.  It's not easy to think of God being in those bad times, but look at the story of Job's life.  I can see God in the midst of all the bad times in my life.  With the gun in my hand, to the murders in my family, to the miscarriage my wife had, to the job I have now.  I see God now, but it's never easy to see God in the bad times.  Hindsight is always 20/20. 

  I encourage you all to make your own "family" if you're not close to yours.  It takes some time and effort, but a great meal usually tastes better when you take your time and don't rush.  Think of it like a Crock-pot meal.  That's why they refer to it as "Slow Cookin'". 

In Him,
The Clouse
 
   

6 months of sheer madness.

Have you ever sat around and said to yourself, "That is brilliant!!  I really should share that."  Well, that happened to me a few times but I forgot what I wanted to share.  However, I did complete my one and only semester at TCU.  Yay Horned Frogs!!  Thank you to all the tax payers who paid for my GI Bill.  I should also thank myself since my taxes too paid for it.  I found my semester at TCU to be very eye opening.  As someone who had nothing to lose or gain by attending, I was able to attend classes and not stress about getting a paper done on time or what grade I would get.  I was a free man walking on campus.  I made an observation while attending classes.  If you want to corrupt a person, and want to influence the path of society, become a Professor and teach whatever you want to share.  These "kids" in these classes just sat there and never questioned the teachings of their professors even though the teaching may be incorrect.  They just drank the Kool-aid and blindly nodded yes.  These "kids" never questioned when a Professor said they didn't believe in God or shared some political idea that they, the Professor, thought was a great idea.  Needless to say, I did not sit idly by.  I had no problem questioning the Professors or asking why they believed what they believed.  I wasn't rude.  I wasn't mean.  I was however forceful in my beliefs and my love for my country.  As you might imagine, I was the teacher's pet.  Ha!  I was probably more like a thorn in their side. I say that that was my only semester at TCU, not because of the teachings, but because of my schedule.  I was a whipped dog when the semester ended.  Between rotating shift work, taking Jurnee to school, Husband and Father obligations, and just life in general, that is why I will not be going back.  I have 12 months of GI Bill benefits, I already have my Masters degree and there is no need to kill myself with a crazy schedule.

Jurnee completed Kindergarten.  I got a little choked up her last day, but I really think it was just allergies that was bothering me.  I'm not really a sensitive guy, just ask my wife, but for some reason I start getting this weird feeling in my chest and eyes when it comes to my wife and kids. My kids are growing up way to fast.  Jurnee also started gymnastics and is loving it.  Every day I try my best to be a good dad and husband.  I will say that I need to do a better job at "living in the now."

Work has been busy the past month.  It's severe weather season which translates into a busy day at work. 

Miriam is doing her mommy thang.  I don't know how she does it.  Seriously.  How does she do it?

Talon is getting big, dangerous, and just an all around boy.  I like it.  I can relate to him because he just does things without thinking, then get hurt, and then do it again.  I pray he learns faster than I did. With that being said, I have pretty much covered 6 months in about 3 paragraphs. 

PS:  As I was finishing this up Miriam asked who I was typing.  I told her I was writing a blog.  She then says, "Oh great.  Who are you going to piss off now."  Love it!!  :)

In Him,
The Clouse