The loss of life. How do we respond?

  I am by no means an expert on death.  However, I feel led to write this blog for a special young lady that is close to mine and Miriam's heart, as well as our kids.  This young lady I speak of has already experienced losing people that she knew and that she adored.  

Ecclesiastes 1:9

New International Version (NIV)

⁹ What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.

  My family doesn't really talk about the "skeletons" in the closet.  I suppose not many people do.  I only speak of the skeletons to help people and not to seek sympathy.  Plus, as my wife will attest to, I am very guarded.  I constantly have my defenses up.  I calculate almost everything I do.  I guess that's just a trait I learned as an Air Traffic Controller.  Who knows.  I try not to be that way around her, but I fail miserably.  I know my faults and try to change them.  

  When I was 12 years old and living in the Tidewater area of Virginia, my family got a phone call.  My Grandfather had murdered my Grandmother and my Uncle in Colorado.  We don't know why my Grandfather snapped, but what I do know is the pain of loss I felt.  I will never know the same pain my cousins felt in losing their dad until years later.  

  When I was 15-16 years old, my dads mom, my Grandmother, took her last breathe minutes before we arrived at her house to say our "Good-bye's".  She lost her battle with cancer and it was tough seeing her become frail and weak.  The numbness I felt would be there for some time.  I was close to my Grandmother and my dads dad, my Grandfather Jack.  I spent most Summers at their house, cleaning and doing yard work, and doing whatever job my Grandfather would find for me to do.  

  And last, but surely not least, I lost my dad when I was 20 years old.  The last time I saw my dad alive I was 18 years old.  This will not be the last time I see death in my lifetime, but there was always a nagging question.  Why?  

  Suffering, in many ways, remains a mystery, one that we will never fully understand this side of eternity. We can, however, glean these truths from God's Word:

• Suffering produces intimacy with God (Job 42:5).
  Job, who endured unspeakable suffering, said, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
  Intimacy with God is often borne in the furnace of affliction.
  "There's an opening of the soul that happens during times of stress or duress," says Dr. Hager, an associate minister in the Washington D.C. area.
  "During times of suffering, we experience God at a deep, profound level."
• Suffering equips us to comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
  Suffering gives us compassion for others who are hurting, enabling us to minister more effectively.
  "Sufferers want to be ministered to by people who have suffered," writes Stephen F. Saint in his essay, "Sovereignty, Suffering, and the Work of Missions."
  "People who suffer want people who have suffered to tell them there is hope. They are justifiably suspicious of people who appear to have lived lives of ease." Those who have suffered make the most effective comforters.
  
• Suffering refines us.
  We can read in Isaiah 48:10 that "…I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."
  The meaning of this verse makes it clear that pain and suffering have a way of bringing our strengths and weaknesses to the surface. When the dross floats to the surface, God skims it off; he purifies and refines us to be the radiant bride of Christ.
  
• Suffering produces growth and maturity (James 1:2-4).
  If we turn toward God in our pain, He can use our suffering to mature our faith. We see this biblical truth illustrated through the persecuted church. After hearing their testimonies, few would deny that suffering produces beauty and maturity of spirit.
  
• Suffering conforms us into God's image (Romans 8:28-29).
  We may be tempted to read these verses to say that God will bring good out of everything. While He can and does redeem pain in our lives, these verses speak of being conformed to God's image through our suffering.
  
  
  
  I have felt the pain of what I would consider Hell itself.  You may or may not have suffered loss the way I have, but it doesn't mean that the pain you feel is not real.  We don't understand why God allows the things He does to happen.  I do know that when sin entered the world, so did death.  The pain will go away, and the saying "time heals all wounds" is pretty accurate.  I encourage you to the read the book of Ecclesiastes.  There is profound wisdom in that Book.  Please pray for those who have lost someone close.  As believers, we can celebrate their life and have comfort knowing that one day we WILL see them again.  Right now those believers are in Heaven. Amen!
  
  In Him,
  The Clouse
   

Make your own family. Key ingredients: God, Water, Love, and Sarcasm. Mix well. Serve chilled.

   As an Air Traffic Controller, we tend to miss a lot of important events.  We work rotating shift work.  We work Weekends and Holidays.  We miss the Thanksgiving dinner and we miss the Christmas morning madness.  Many of us are Veterans and know what it's like from our time in the service.  But like those who serve in our military, Controllers chose to do this job.  We knew what were signing up for.  We miss parties, graduations, weddings, funerals and church.  We miss working those "normal" hours where it's not such a beating on our families and our bodies.  Many of us still struggle to get into a routine of working out because we are just plain exhausted at weeks end.  Many of us also live away from families.  However, not many share my story.

   I was 12 years old when I was introduced to Air Traffic Control and I knew then that that was the job I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I was also in a hurry to get away from home.  I needed to get away from an abusive and alcoholic dad and a mom who it's hard for me to explain in words the type of person she is.  I love my mom, because she brought me into this world.  My dad died when I was 20 years old but the last time I saw him I was 18 or 19 years old him before seeing him the casket.   All I remember is that I was in Air Traffic Control school at Keesler Air Force Base, Biloxi, Mississippi and I was there from Nov. '98- April '99.  I had already cut ties in my mind with my mom and dad because I was free from abuse and free from exasperation.

  I am now 33 years old with a family of my own an I have a wife who desperately longs for "family."  She is close to her family, while I don't rely on anyone to get me through.  However, I am starting to realize the affects a family can have on my kids.  Living in the great state of Texas, and away from family makes me aware that I don't want my kids to be anything like me.  And this is where God comes in.  Growing up in Norfolk and finding any means to get to church at First Baptist Church, Norfolk, God allowed a young married couple to come into my life.  I still tell the story today to youth that getting to know the names of those around you and introducing yourself to new people who visit your church or Sunday School is very, very important.  That's what Greg did.  He took the time to know my name.  He took the time to learn who this young, teenage punk kid was.  I was blessed enough that Greg had someone smarter than him to help him.  His wife, Vicki.

  After graduating High School and joining the Air Force, and with Greg and Vicki moving, I didn't give anything or anyone a second thought.  I was free from Norfolk.  Though the Tidewater area may be a nice place, in my mind I wanted nothing to do with it.  It wasn't until a chance "Friend Request" on Facebook that Miriam an I learned that Greg, Vicki, and their daughter Katie lived just mere minutes from us.  Here.  In Texas.  Of all the places, and all the locations, they lived close by us.  And this is where God uses his large mixing bowl and throws in some water, love and sarcasm.  They make up a family.  Katie is a little sister who I remember as a baby no older than my son is now.  I harass her like an older brother would and I am very protective of her. I refer to Greg as Dad and Vicki as Mom.  My kids call them Mimi and Apple.  I don't know how Greg got stuck with the name Apple, but it has stuck and that's what they call him.  Proverbs 18:24 says "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  This is very important to learn and to meditate on.

  Me and Miriam have also been blessed with great friends.  I have tons of friends, but only a few whom I can truly be real with. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."  That hit me pretty hard, because I was constantly running solo.  I didn't need anyone.  When I fell, I picked myself up, which only contributed to my heart being hardened.  I obtained my college education on my own.  I am not a perfect man, nor am I a bible scholar, but I do love God with all my heart.  Just like King David.  But unlike David, I haven't killed anyone.  I continue to fall and stumble, but I now have "friends" and "family" I can turn to.  I have D, Jason, Cus, Scott, Gift and Fowler that God placed in my life.  Different dudes, with different ways of living life, but whom I consider my core group.  God has placed women in Miriam's life whom I consider sisters from another mister.  One of those being Anna.  She's about as crazy as they come and I swear one day she will drive head on into me and I will have to make a choice.  Drive off a cliff or brace for impact.  But she too is like a sister.  I'll stab a person who jacks with her or anyone else I consider family.  I kid, I kid.  But seriously. 

  God has mixed in love in my life, and that love of my life is the one person who really, really knows me.  She knows how jacked up I am.  She knows all my jokes and will finish them before I can.  She is the only woman who will put up with my crap, and the strongest woman I know.  Miriam has MS, stays home with our children, whom probably should be placed in a Zoo at times, and is still the hottest woman I know.  No, she is not standing behind me while I type that.  Putting up with me is enough, but throw all that in and she is Wonder Woman. Proverbs 31:10 says, "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."  Without Miriam in my life, I am nothing, and God knows this.  Yes yes yes, I know God is the most important being in my life, so you can save yourself the trouble of counseling me. 

  God is smarter than me.  God knew the steps I would take and placed people along my path to help me.  I didn't do all those things.  I mean, I did, but not with help from the Man upstairs.  If all of us just take a few minutes to replay our life, you'll see where God was the whole time.  Think about your growing up.  Think about your friends, or that marriage, or that divorce.  Think about the job you have, the job you've lost, the money you have and the money you've made.  Think about the good times and the bad times.  It's not easy to think of God being in those bad times, but look at the story of Job's life.  I can see God in the midst of all the bad times in my life.  With the gun in my hand, to the murders in my family, to the miscarriage my wife had, to the job I have now.  I see God now, but it's never easy to see God in the bad times.  Hindsight is always 20/20. 

  I encourage you all to make your own "family" if you're not close to yours.  It takes some time and effort, but a great meal usually tastes better when you take your time and don't rush.  Think of it like a Crock-pot meal.  That's why they refer to it as "Slow Cookin'". 

In Him,
The Clouse
 
   

6 months of sheer madness.

Have you ever sat around and said to yourself, "That is brilliant!!  I really should share that."  Well, that happened to me a few times but I forgot what I wanted to share.  However, I did complete my one and only semester at TCU.  Yay Horned Frogs!!  Thank you to all the tax payers who paid for my GI Bill.  I should also thank myself since my taxes too paid for it.  I found my semester at TCU to be very eye opening.  As someone who had nothing to lose or gain by attending, I was able to attend classes and not stress about getting a paper done on time or what grade I would get.  I was a free man walking on campus.  I made an observation while attending classes.  If you want to corrupt a person, and want to influence the path of society, become a Professor and teach whatever you want to share.  These "kids" in these classes just sat there and never questioned the teachings of their professors even though the teaching may be incorrect.  They just drank the Kool-aid and blindly nodded yes.  These "kids" never questioned when a Professor said they didn't believe in God or shared some political idea that they, the Professor, thought was a great idea.  Needless to say, I did not sit idly by.  I had no problem questioning the Professors or asking why they believed what they believed.  I wasn't rude.  I wasn't mean.  I was however forceful in my beliefs and my love for my country.  As you might imagine, I was the teacher's pet.  Ha!  I was probably more like a thorn in their side. I say that that was my only semester at TCU, not because of the teachings, but because of my schedule.  I was a whipped dog when the semester ended.  Between rotating shift work, taking Jurnee to school, Husband and Father obligations, and just life in general, that is why I will not be going back.  I have 12 months of GI Bill benefits, I already have my Masters degree and there is no need to kill myself with a crazy schedule.

Jurnee completed Kindergarten.  I got a little choked up her last day, but I really think it was just allergies that was bothering me.  I'm not really a sensitive guy, just ask my wife, but for some reason I start getting this weird feeling in my chest and eyes when it comes to my wife and kids. My kids are growing up way to fast.  Jurnee also started gymnastics and is loving it.  Every day I try my best to be a good dad and husband.  I will say that I need to do a better job at "living in the now."

Work has been busy the past month.  It's severe weather season which translates into a busy day at work. 

Miriam is doing her mommy thang.  I don't know how she does it.  Seriously.  How does she do it?

Talon is getting big, dangerous, and just an all around boy.  I like it.  I can relate to him because he just does things without thinking, then get hurt, and then do it again.  I pray he learns faster than I did. With that being said, I have pretty much covered 6 months in about 3 paragraphs. 

PS:  As I was finishing this up Miriam asked who I was typing.  I told her I was writing a blog.  She then says, "Oh great.  Who are you going to piss off now."  Love it!!  :)

In Him,
The Clouse

The year of the 33. The year of the Horned Frog

  First of all, let me tell you all that I do not feel like I'm turning 33.  It seemed just yesterday when I graduated High School and joined the Military. This next year is going to have an interesting start.  I will be taking 3 classes at TCU (Texas Christian University), juggling a full time job and being a full time husband and dad.  God help me. Literally.  God, help me.  Oh, and being in a classroom full of teenagers ought to be awesome!  I'm going to be the old man of the class I'm guessing.  And yes, I am going to school to take some classes that I'm interested in.  And yes, I already have my Undergrad and Grad degrees.  So with that being said, Yes, I am crazy.

  This past Friday our nation endured the loss of life in Connecticut.  My heart aches for those parents who lost their little babies.  My baby girl is the same age of those kids.  I pray that God protects our children in school.  I pray He protects the teachers, the parents, law enforcement, and school administrators.  Thank you again to all my teacher friends.  Stupid actions like the one that happened on Friday reminds me that we live in a fallen world and I pray that all my friends reading this will accept Jesus as their personal Lord and their Savior so we can chill in Heaven when it's our time to leave this place.

  Miriam's MRI results came back and they found some new activity, also know as a lesion, on her spine.  As a husband I want to do all I can do to protect my wife and to make sure she has the best medical attention.  One way I can do that is by continuing to raise money for the MS Society.  Please donate to my team.  Click HERE to go to my site and donate. Let's find a cure for this disease that has found its way in the House of Clouse. To those who have already donated, Thank you!

  To those who have asked why I'm back on the book of faces, I decided that in order for me to get back to solid fundraising, I needed social networking.  It's feels like a necessary evil.  I don't really have anything else I want to type.  I have a lot more to say, but I'm tired.  That is all.

In Him,
Jimmy

Who are you?

    Sometimes I can say things that can make an entire room feel uncomfortable.  Whether the discussion is about marriage, kids, work, money, politics or sports.  I tend to not shy away from topics that others run far away from.  I don't know why I am like this, but it's who God made me.  I won't apologize for making you feel uncomfortable.  I won't apologize for making you think and I will not apologize for holding you accountable.  You see, the word calls us to help each other.  My strength may be different then yours.  There are a lot of things I need help with.  I go to the Doc because I have no idea what medicines will help me feel better when I'm sick, and I take my car to a mechanic when my car is having issues and I call a plumber when my pipes spring a leak.  I do this because I am no expert in these fields.  We are all called to a different calling in the Kingdom.  I can't teach a class of kindergartners, I can't fix my car engine, I can't preform surgery, and I can't defend myself in a court of law.  But what I can do is be whom God has called me to be.  So who are you?  What is your role in the Kingdom?  We are all called to do something.  

  I have been studying the book of Job and I am amazed by how Job answered his buddies when Job lost everything.  I am amazed by his response to God and his praises to God when Job lost everything.  I am no Job.  I don't think I could lose everything and still give thanks to God.  I just have to be honest. I would like to think I'd respond the same way Job did, but I haven't had my feet placed to the fire like Job did. I am no King David, or Peter, or Paul.  I am no Joseph, or Moses, or Abraham.  I am Jimmy Clouse.  God made me and He knows the plans He has for me.  God knows you too.  But do you know who you are?  I do.  You're a child of God.  God loves you.  It's true.  That's what the Bible says.  So I leave you with this last question.  Who are you? 

In Him, 

Clouse

Parents just don't understand......

   I love the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff.  I could sing, and probably still can, every song they made.  One of the first songs I memorized was "Parents just don't understand."  Pure greatness.  At least from a teenagers point of view.  Now that I am a 30-something, that song still makes me smile.  But there is something to be said about parents.  Parents are the first line of defense against a world, that for all practical purposes, sucks.  I mean, come on.  How many times have you heard the phrase or have said the phrase, "Life's not fair!"?  Be honest.  Maybe it was a business deal gone bad, a family member or a favorite pet died.  Maybe you lost money, ran out of gas, lost best friends.  Parents are our first taste of life.  They should be the ones to introduce us to the harsh realities of life in a controlled environment.  If you were blessed to have parents like that, I am thankful for that.  But if you were like me, you were introduced the harshness of life within the walls of your childhood home whether you were abused, beaten, lied to, yelled at, bullied, etc. God only gave us one mom and one dad.  Regardless if we know our mom and dad or not, we still have only one mom and dad.  God blessed me by getting me out of a house, a city, and a state where I was ruining my life and running myself in the ground.  Probably 6 feet deep in the ground to be exact.

  As for me and my parental units, my dad is dead and I have a very, very strained relationship with my mom.  I'm pretty bad about keeping in touch with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I am pretty close to one cousin and pretty close to one aunt and her family.  I believe in the idea of family, but have never experienced what that really meant.  If you happen to be a family member of mine and you're reading this, I'll at least text you one day, i think.  I don't really like talking on the phone, and a blog lets me only share what I want to share.  It's a win-win for me because I'll never know if you read this and I only let the world know what I want it to know.  It's just a sense of control you can say.  I have family who love me and would help me if I asked, but I just don't have a relationship with them.  God has blessed me with an amazing wife and two beautiful children.  I plan to foster a great relationship with them and my prayer is that they will not see certain family members as a burden as I do when they grow up.  Remember to be nice to your kids because they will be the ones to decide which nursing home you will go to.  I hope that my kids love me enough not to send me to a government run nursing home.

  My sexy wife has a great relationship with her family and her family is very close.  I find that odd and something I strongly desire at times.  I often wish we lived closer to my wife's family because I know that would make her and my kids happy, but in our current position, we can't.  I have always told myself that family is what you make of it.  In the military I was able to make other military members family.  Here, in Texas, I have been able to make a few friends family.  Is family really that important?  I question that often.  There are times when I am a Lone Ranger at work, or at the gym, at church, or in group settings.  Sometimes I feel like I have to be the best at what I do as if I have to prove something to someone.  But to who?  I don't really care about the opinions of well, mostly everyone.  Is that so wrong?  What does the bible say about these feelings?  There are many examples of family going their separate ways and verses that tell me to work as though I am working unto the Lord.  I'm sharing this because I don't think I am the only one out there with these feelings.  How do I know?  Well the bible of course,  The bible says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun.  Jimmy's translation....someone else felt the same you feel.

  Do you have an internal battle with these issues or is it just me?  I have been truly blessed in my life so far and I have plenty of room for improvement.  I guess my first step to improving myself is to not drink so much Starbucks coffee and to stop falling in love with Paula Deen.  Because who doesn't love bacon?

In Him,
Jimmy

Nothing will make a grown man cry quicker....

   Jurnee has successfully completed 5 full days of kindergarten.  She started last Wednesday and I have to be honest here, my eyes got filled with tears when we dropped her off that first.  I blame allergies.  At least that is what I told Miriam that, who happened NOT to fall for that.  It was strange because Jurnee was in preschool last year for 4 days a week, but dropping her off at Kindergarten seemed completely different.  She was walking though the same doors as the "bigger" kids.  She didn't want me to walk with her to the door on the second day because she is now a "big girl."  Boom!  What was that that just hit me in my chest? Was that the elusive heart that my lovely bride tells me I don't have?  I think it was. Now listen, I have served in the military,  I have been to the desert, I have been randomly shot at (at least I think it was random), I have been strong when others have been weak.  I have been the first to volunteer for difficult tasks and the last to leave.  But nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING, took me down more then hearing those words leave the mouth of my little princess.  I have been outnumbered in fights and still that seemed easier then letting go of my little girls hand to watch her walk through her classroom door.

   God is an amazing God.  He knew that I needed a daughter to soften this beating thing in my chest that keeps me alive.  God knew what he was doing when he brought me and Miriam together.  I am not a perfect man, but I serve a perfect God.  I need to remind myself everyday that it's not the days in my life that will matter when I die, but what I do in those days that will matter.  I need to take advantage of the time I have now with Jurnee because it won't be like this for long.

In Him