The year of the 33. The year of the Horned Frog

  First of all, let me tell you all that I do not feel like I'm turning 33.  It seemed just yesterday when I graduated High School and joined the Military. This next year is going to have an interesting start.  I will be taking 3 classes at TCU (Texas Christian University), juggling a full time job and being a full time husband and dad.  God help me. Literally.  God, help me.  Oh, and being in a classroom full of teenagers ought to be awesome!  I'm going to be the old man of the class I'm guessing.  And yes, I am going to school to take some classes that I'm interested in.  And yes, I already have my Undergrad and Grad degrees.  So with that being said, Yes, I am crazy.

  This past Friday our nation endured the loss of life in Connecticut.  My heart aches for those parents who lost their little babies.  My baby girl is the same age of those kids.  I pray that God protects our children in school.  I pray He protects the teachers, the parents, law enforcement, and school administrators.  Thank you again to all my teacher friends.  Stupid actions like the one that happened on Friday reminds me that we live in a fallen world and I pray that all my friends reading this will accept Jesus as their personal Lord and their Savior so we can chill in Heaven when it's our time to leave this place.

  Miriam's MRI results came back and they found some new activity, also know as a lesion, on her spine.  As a husband I want to do all I can do to protect my wife and to make sure she has the best medical attention.  One way I can do that is by continuing to raise money for the MS Society.  Please donate to my team.  Click HERE to go to my site and donate. Let's find a cure for this disease that has found its way in the House of Clouse. To those who have already donated, Thank you!

  To those who have asked why I'm back on the book of faces, I decided that in order for me to get back to solid fundraising, I needed social networking.  It's feels like a necessary evil.  I don't really have anything else I want to type.  I have a lot more to say, but I'm tired.  That is all.

In Him,
Jimmy

Who are you?

    Sometimes I can say things that can make an entire room feel uncomfortable.  Whether the discussion is about marriage, kids, work, money, politics or sports.  I tend to not shy away from topics that others run far away from.  I don't know why I am like this, but it's who God made me.  I won't apologize for making you feel uncomfortable.  I won't apologize for making you think and I will not apologize for holding you accountable.  You see, the word calls us to help each other.  My strength may be different then yours.  There are a lot of things I need help with.  I go to the Doc because I have no idea what medicines will help me feel better when I'm sick, and I take my car to a mechanic when my car is having issues and I call a plumber when my pipes spring a leak.  I do this because I am no expert in these fields.  We are all called to a different calling in the Kingdom.  I can't teach a class of kindergartners, I can't fix my car engine, I can't preform surgery, and I can't defend myself in a court of law.  But what I can do is be whom God has called me to be.  So who are you?  What is your role in the Kingdom?  We are all called to do something.  

  I have been studying the book of Job and I am amazed by how Job answered his buddies when Job lost everything.  I am amazed by his response to God and his praises to God when Job lost everything.  I am no Job.  I don't think I could lose everything and still give thanks to God.  I just have to be honest. I would like to think I'd respond the same way Job did, but I haven't had my feet placed to the fire like Job did. I am no King David, or Peter, or Paul.  I am no Joseph, or Moses, or Abraham.  I am Jimmy Clouse.  God made me and He knows the plans He has for me.  God knows you too.  But do you know who you are?  I do.  You're a child of God.  God loves you.  It's true.  That's what the Bible says.  So I leave you with this last question.  Who are you? 

In Him, 

Clouse

Parents just don't understand......

   I love the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff.  I could sing, and probably still can, every song they made.  One of the first songs I memorized was "Parents just don't understand."  Pure greatness.  At least from a teenagers point of view.  Now that I am a 30-something, that song still makes me smile.  But there is something to be said about parents.  Parents are the first line of defense against a world, that for all practical purposes, sucks.  I mean, come on.  How many times have you heard the phrase or have said the phrase, "Life's not fair!"?  Be honest.  Maybe it was a business deal gone bad, a family member or a favorite pet died.  Maybe you lost money, ran out of gas, lost best friends.  Parents are our first taste of life.  They should be the ones to introduce us to the harsh realities of life in a controlled environment.  If you were blessed to have parents like that, I am thankful for that.  But if you were like me, you were introduced the harshness of life within the walls of your childhood home whether you were abused, beaten, lied to, yelled at, bullied, etc. God only gave us one mom and one dad.  Regardless if we know our mom and dad or not, we still have only one mom and dad.  God blessed me by getting me out of a house, a city, and a state where I was ruining my life and running myself in the ground.  Probably 6 feet deep in the ground to be exact.

  As for me and my parental units, my dad is dead and I have a very, very strained relationship with my mom.  I'm pretty bad about keeping in touch with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I am pretty close to one cousin and pretty close to one aunt and her family.  I believe in the idea of family, but have never experienced what that really meant.  If you happen to be a family member of mine and you're reading this, I'll at least text you one day, i think.  I don't really like talking on the phone, and a blog lets me only share what I want to share.  It's a win-win for me because I'll never know if you read this and I only let the world know what I want it to know.  It's just a sense of control you can say.  I have family who love me and would help me if I asked, but I just don't have a relationship with them.  God has blessed me with an amazing wife and two beautiful children.  I plan to foster a great relationship with them and my prayer is that they will not see certain family members as a burden as I do when they grow up.  Remember to be nice to your kids because they will be the ones to decide which nursing home you will go to.  I hope that my kids love me enough not to send me to a government run nursing home.

  My sexy wife has a great relationship with her family and her family is very close.  I find that odd and something I strongly desire at times.  I often wish we lived closer to my wife's family because I know that would make her and my kids happy, but in our current position, we can't.  I have always told myself that family is what you make of it.  In the military I was able to make other military members family.  Here, in Texas, I have been able to make a few friends family.  Is family really that important?  I question that often.  There are times when I am a Lone Ranger at work, or at the gym, at church, or in group settings.  Sometimes I feel like I have to be the best at what I do as if I have to prove something to someone.  But to who?  I don't really care about the opinions of well, mostly everyone.  Is that so wrong?  What does the bible say about these feelings?  There are many examples of family going their separate ways and verses that tell me to work as though I am working unto the Lord.  I'm sharing this because I don't think I am the only one out there with these feelings.  How do I know?  Well the bible of course,  The bible says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun.  Jimmy's translation....someone else felt the same you feel.

  Do you have an internal battle with these issues or is it just me?  I have been truly blessed in my life so far and I have plenty of room for improvement.  I guess my first step to improving myself is to not drink so much Starbucks coffee and to stop falling in love with Paula Deen.  Because who doesn't love bacon?

In Him,
Jimmy

Nothing will make a grown man cry quicker....

   Jurnee has successfully completed 5 full days of kindergarten.  She started last Wednesday and I have to be honest here, my eyes got filled with tears when we dropped her off that first.  I blame allergies.  At least that is what I told Miriam that, who happened NOT to fall for that.  It was strange because Jurnee was in preschool last year for 4 days a week, but dropping her off at Kindergarten seemed completely different.  She was walking though the same doors as the "bigger" kids.  She didn't want me to walk with her to the door on the second day because she is now a "big girl."  Boom!  What was that that just hit me in my chest? Was that the elusive heart that my lovely bride tells me I don't have?  I think it was. Now listen, I have served in the military,  I have been to the desert, I have been randomly shot at (at least I think it was random), I have been strong when others have been weak.  I have been the first to volunteer for difficult tasks and the last to leave.  But nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING, took me down more then hearing those words leave the mouth of my little princess.  I have been outnumbered in fights and still that seemed easier then letting go of my little girls hand to watch her walk through her classroom door.

   God is an amazing God.  He knew that I needed a daughter to soften this beating thing in my chest that keeps me alive.  God knew what he was doing when he brought me and Miriam together.  I am not a perfect man, but I serve a perfect God.  I need to remind myself everyday that it's not the days in my life that will matter when I die, but what I do in those days that will matter.  I need to take advantage of the time I have now with Jurnee because it won't be like this for long.

In Him

In search of a dad.

To those who grew up without a dad, or a dad who happened to be there but not.  

 After my dad died I have probably been in search of a father figure.  He died at the age of 43 and I was 20, and the last time I saw him I was 18.  My dad was was abusive, both verbally and physically, an alcoholic and tended to do quite a bit of traveling when I was growing up.  One year he traveled over 75% of that year.  I am not trying to make this a pity party, because it's not, but I know that many of you have probably struggled with this same issue.  If not, then praise God!  I was fortunate to be part of Boy Scouts and surrounded by Godly men whom I was able to look up to and gain valuable wisdom and knowledge from while in pursuit of my Eagle Scout.  I was also part of an awesome church youth group in which I was surrounded by friends that were able to help me get through those rough teenage years.  But I also learned from a very young age to be guarded.  I learned to only let people know what you wanted them to know.  I slip up every now and get  burned by the "gossip grapevine" which then reminds me why I remained guarded in the first place. 

  My dad provided me with an environment in which I had to walk around on eggshells. I try to still show honor to my dad and I only share this to help paint a picture of what I dealt with.  Many of you grew up in an environment like this.  I was asked to give the eulogy at my dads funeral, and it turned into more of a sermon of Gods love and grace because, what words could I say about a man whom I was callus towards.  Maybe you grew up without a dad in the picture, or a dad who was militant or even abusive.  I struggle from time to time not being able to pick up the phone and call my dad for guidance and council.  I barely knew my dad.  I didn't know his likes or dislikes.  I don't know where my dad really grew up or who his heroes were.  My dad didn't like sports or follow any team.  I didn't know this man that provided me with a bed, clothes, food, and a house.  He did provide me with a $200 beater truck when I turned 16 and for that, I am grateful.

  I am in constant search of a father figure on this land called Earth.  Dudes at work just remind me of my old man, which isn't what I am striving for.  In fact, I can't think of one person at work I'd share my secrets with. I hardly make it to church with my family on Sunday's any more because of my work schedule, which is ok, because the family is able to make it.  But God has provided me with something that I know is greater then all of that.  He has also provided you with the same thing.  God has provided his Love.  He has provided his Grace, His word, and His promise that He will never leave us, nor forsake us.  Plus He has provided me with Podcasts so I can listen to the sermons I miss. And as awesome as that is, which i must say is pretty awesome, there is also something to be said to have the wisdom and guidance of an Earthly dad.  No family is perfect.  That's why we need God, no matter what the world says.  I have been blessed with enough wisdom to seek out council and guidance from Godly men who have many years experience on me.  I have Godly men in my life, but not one who I share everything with.  Whether that is good or not, I don't know, but it's what I do.  

  My goal is to be a better dad to my kids then the dad I had.  There are days when I fail miserably.  I don't abuse my kids, but I can tend to be selfish and think of myself some days.  But there are also days when I am a Super Dad and where my kids think I am the best thing since Thomas the Train.  I have a Godly wife who helps me and prays for me.  She is awesome.  But, how many times have you heard stories or read stories in the paper about kids doing bad things and reading that the dad was no where in sight?  How many stats have you been shown about what a difference a dad makes in the life of a family?  I will to be the kind of dad that when my daughter grows up, she searches for a man like her daddy.  I will be the kind of dad to play catch with my kids, and to be there for.  I pray that God will help me to be that dad. 

To those of you who are in this same boat as me, I encourage you to stay the course.  You are a good dad, and your children love you.  Seek the council of Godly men, and pray that God will provide you with a dude to walk through this life with you.  I'm sure God has someone in mind for you.  But, just like me, you might have to show a little patience. 

In Him, 

The Clouse

You only have one good chance.

  Today I met a buddy for lunch.  He's someone who I can confide in and knows my dark side.  We meet for lunch to hangout, vent, sharpen each other and be real with each other.  Something struck me though when we were talking today that I had to share with you.  We were doing the normal banter at first such as "How's your wife? How are your kids?" and then we dove right into the "nitty gritty."  One of the topics that was brought up was our kids education since both our older kids are starting Kindergarten this Fall and will be attending the same school.  What was brought up and what came out of my mouth actually surprised me.  I know that may be hard for some of you to fathom, but it's true.  Anyone who knows me knows that I get all sweaty, nervous and short of breath when I have to spend money.  So while we discussing schools and taxes and costs of school, I said "We only get one good chance to be a good parent."  I thought about that statement the rest of lunch and the car ride home.

We only get one good chance to be a good parent and to be a positive influence on our kids while they are still living under our roof.  I only get one good chance to provide my children with the best education that I can give them.  I only get one good chance to be a good dad.  I only get one good chance to be a good husband.  Some of you may think you have multiple good chances, but you really don't have that one good chance after it's gone.  Let me give you an example.  When I was about 10 years old, I saw my mom kiss the guy who lived next door to us.  She knew that I saw them and asked me to keep it a secret from my dad.  Needless to say, my dad found out that my mom had committed adultery and her one good chance was gone.  They stayed married until my dad died at the old age of 43, but it was never the same relationship after that.  There were arguments and the past was ALWAYS brought up.  Their one good chance was gone.  Oh, it could be mended. With prayer, Godly counsel, a strong core group of friends, and most of all Christ's love, it would have been repaired, but not without the scar to prove it.  We all have scars, and many of us have ruined our one good chance.  Don't get me wrong.  We have all been given multiple chances.  I have many scars to prove that, but I ruined many one good chances.

You only get one good chance to be a good parent, a good spouse, a good child, a good friend, and a good co-worker.  I have my vices.  I struggle with each category.  BUT, I have been given Grace from God above.  I am my toughest critic, but God loves me regardless.  With the help of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I can use my one chance to do better.

In Conclusion, I get one good chance.  I don't know when I will take my last breath.  So, what am I going to do with my one good chance?  What will you do with your one good chance?  I don't want to make this sound like a guilt trip.  I just want you to think about it.  Because of the blood of Jesus, we get a second chance, a third chance, etc., etc.  The blood of Jesus shouldn't be used as a get out of jail free card.  Learn from your mistakes and use the past as a spring board to get back up.  I tell people that I may fall, but as long as I fall forward then it's still in the right direction.  So, onward fellow soldiers, and use the one good chance, or the many other chances to be a better person.

In Him,
Jimmy

See anything good at the movies lately? Read a good book?

I am quite amazed by all the buzz about the book 50 Shades or Grey and the movie Magic Mike.  I'm sure the writer and Hollywood is loving all the free publicity though.  This book and movie has sure brought up something that I am actually diggin'. It's bringing up conversation amongst those who follow Christ.  I have never seen so many women who follow Christ actually wait hours and hours in line to get tickets  to see this movie or get so excited about a book.  I have read Blogs, articles, and even heard conversations for or against this book and movie.  Have I read the book? No.  Of course not.  I have seen the movie?  Of course not.  But I'll hear some stupid argument by someone saying how I shouldn't criticize this book or movie if I haven't read or seen it.  Well, here's another argument genius. Why do you warn your kids to stay away from drugs if you have never tried them?  If you respond with , "I have tried them and drugs jacked me up" then I'll tell you that you answered your own question.  You don't need to do drugs to know that they'll ruin your life, your family, and everything you worked hard for.  And if you have done drugs then you already know first hand how they can jack up your life.

Picture this, you're thirsty and I give you an unopened bottle of ice cold, refreshing water.  Will you accept it?  Of course you will.  Now, what if I just add a teaspoon of motor oil to that bottle of ice cold, refreshing water?  Will you accept it?  Maybe you will.  Is it good for you?  No it's not. That oil just contaminated that bottle.  Now, I'm not going to sit here and give you a Sunday School lesson on why you should or shouldn't read or watch that movie.  I'm sure your little conscious has already spoken to you about that.  I call that the Holy Spirit.  You know, that voice inside your head telling what you ought or ought not know or do.  I'm sure you may feel convicted if you have read or seen those things.  If you haven't, then I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you have made your heart callus.  You have made yourself callus by ignoring that voice over and over and over again.  I know because I have made myself callus in the past, and I am sure even now there are some things that I am callus about.  

I am blessed to be married to a woman who won't contaminate her mind and heart by reading that book or watching that movie.  I'm sure if you're a woman reading this you'll say that you're a blessing to your husband and you have read the book and watched the movie.  I'm sure you may be a blessing to him, but you have just put a teaspoon of oil inside yourself.  And here is something that I have heard on the radio, that I have read, and even heard conversations about.  Well Jimmy, the Bible says Thou Shall Not Judge.  Hey Genius, Guess what?  I too can pick random, half read scripture verses and make them read how I want to.  It's been done throughout history.  Like this, in Genius 9:3, it says,

Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

 Guess that means I can smoke weed.  It says so right there.  EEEHHH!! WRONG!  Guess what I just did?  I just randomly picked out a verse to fulfill my needs, IF I was a pothead.  But I'm not.  

The Bible tells us to judge.  Let me explain.  I am to judge my fellow believers in Christ.  If I have a friend who is a nonbeliever, should I go about judging him?  No.  Why?  Because God would show him love and compassion.  Would God want me to go to my buddy who is a believer and call him out of drugs, spousal abuse, adultery, pornography, etc.?  Yes.  Why? Because that what God has commanded me to do.  But there is a right and wrong way to judge. Did you know that?  When people hear the word judge they get freaked out.  So let's rephrase it to correcting one another.  Because people can judge negatively and that is something that Jesus NEVER did.  Jesus corrected in a loving and compassionate way.  That's what we need to do when confronting a buddy about a road block in their life.  If you don't surround yourself by a few good and close friends who share your belief system, then you are destined to fall and fail.  Your like a swimmer, all alone, being circled by sharks  But, if you do surround yourself with a few good friends, then you'll be able to receive correction a lot better.  

This book and this movie is a lot deeper then filling your mind and body with garbage.  This is about standing up to something that could potentially be kindling to ruin your marriage, your family, and yourself.  But Jimmy, my husband watches porn.  Well, he's wrong.  He shouldn't be watching porn.  So, I end with this.  Guard your hearts, guard your children, and protect your marriage,  If not, then you might as well take your young daughter to watch that movie with you, or hand her the book.  Just ruin them now and get it over with.  Harsh?  Yes.  But hopefully it drives the point home.  

In Him, 

Jimmy

The Church Clique

   I attended First Baptist Church Norfolk in Va. before I became a believer in Christ at the age of 17.  Even after I became a believer I attended FBCN until I joined the military at the ripe old age of 18.  I had attended FBCN from a young age, maybe 8 or 9 years old.  I tell you this to set up the picture.  I attended FBCN but no one knew me until I was 17.  My Sunday School teachers knew me because I attended their class, but the other kids didn't know who I was.  After I accepted Jesus as my Savior, after I was set on fire for Christ, that's when people began to ask me if I just started attending the Church. It's kind of sad that we can attend Church for so long and not be recognized.  Have you ever been to a church and no one shakes your hand or introduces themselves to you?  I have.  Have you ever attended a church and notice the same people every week gather together in their own little clique?  I have.  Have you felt left out? Have you felt alone? Have you felt uncomfortable? I have.
  
   I make a self conscious effort to introduce myself to new people at church because I know how it feels to be the new guy.  But why do so many people in the church shun new people?  It's because we are comfortable.  We have allowed ourselves to make a comfortable bubble around ourselves where we control the enviroment.  I do this with friendships, so I know what happens.  I share only what I need to with others and only allow my friends to see the real me.  I don't think that is bad, because I feel as though you should not air out your dirty laundry for everyone to see.  Some people can't handle the stink.  BUT, there is a difference between being friendly to everyone and being friends with everyone.  Proverbs 18:24 says "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  I don't have many friends, but the ones I have are loyal and true.  I digress.  When we gather in the name of Jesus we should extend our hand to those around us.  You don't need to be best friends with that person, but you have to be friendly.  Greet the new person or persons.  Make them feel welcome. Show them the love of Jesus through your actions.  Get out of your bubble.  Get out of your clique.  I believe that many things can ruin a church and one of those are cliques. 

   This morning, as you get yourself ready to worship, find a new person, shake their hand and welcome them.  You'll be surprise by what a big difference that small gesture could have.

You are only as strong as the weakest link

I have always liked that illustration.  "You are only as strong as the weakest link."  I'm sure I don't have to explain the science behind the saying, but it does make you think.  Or at least it makes me think.  At work, when you're working on a project, you're only as strong as the "weakest link" in the group.  A baseball team is only as strong as the weakest hitter in the lineup.  Stats have proved me right on that one.  In a family, you're only as strong as the "weakest" link.  This has given me the most internal fit.  Because to say that is putting a lot of weight in that comment.  But I have seen families struggle with their teenage children.  I have seen families fight alcohol and drug abuse.  I have seen porn take a grip on a family.  I have seen gambling, murder, lies, and hate destroy families.  You are only as strong as the weakest link. I have seen fatherless children struggle with their place in a family or in life. 

I have felt the fury of hell itself on my family while growing up and the attacks of me personally.  I recognize that the enemy would love for me to have a failed marriage, to be a bum at work, to isolate myself from friends and loved ones.  I don't want to be just a good husband and father, I want to be a great husband and father.  I tend to fall short at times.  I won't bore you with the details, but it's true.  I pray with Jurnee every night that I'm not working.  I always pray for her and for her husband and ask that God prepares him for my little princess and that this man child I allow to marry my daughter is a man of God.  This week, however, I prayed that God makes this boy a better man than I am.  After we said "Amen", Jurnee said, "Ah Daddy, you're a good daddy." Her tone made me feel as though I shouldn't pray that and that I am good enough.  It made my heart melt.  It almost brought a tear to my eyes, but it was just allergies.  Her statement made me realize that I tend to be more critical of myself than others are of me.  It's like I fight a ghost within. I walk around like a one man army fighting memories, ghosts and shadows of the past in my head.  I don't want this to be something my children will have to struggle with.  The chains of past generations WILL BE broken with me.  It will stop here.  I will battle for my children to have a father who is involved.  My children will see that no matter what happens in life, that their father will fight for his marriage and his children's soul.  I will be the man of God that God created me to be.  But, I also recognize that I can't do this alone.  We all need help and we all need accountability.  So, I implore you to get a few guys, or if you're a gal get a of couple of gals, to hold you accountable.  True friends will not leave your side to fight alone.  I have a few great buddies who have the scars of going through battle with me and I have the scars of going through battle with them.  Don't believe what the world preaches.  If you do, you will only find yourself hurt.  Don't believe me?  Listen to the screams of your heart that have already been scarred from the world.  Follow Jesus.  Why?  Because what do you have to lose?

In Him,
Jimmy

Advice for my daughter

  This is for my little princess, who will one day find this blog when she is older and hopefully gain some insight from these few nuggets of wisdom. 

• Remember to laugh.  When life around you is falling apart and you can't imagine it being any worse, just Laugh.  And of course, seek God in everything you do. 
• Every morning when you wake up, Thank God for another day that He has placed air in your lungs.
• You can do anything in life, you can be anything in life, you can accomplish anything in life.  You are a strong, smart, talented and beautiful girl.
• DO NOT get involved with a boy who thinks it is ok to lay his hands on you in anger.  I'm still your father and I will never be to old to educate an abusive man.
• DO NOT get involved with a boy who thinks it it ok to get drunk.
• You will one day experience a broken heart from a stupid boy, but remember that there is one who will never leave you and that is Jesus.  You will always have the love of your mama and me, but Jesus will be with you when we can't be.
• You are who you hang out with.  You'll hear this many many times before you find this blog, but it's true.  So surround yourself with Godly women and women whom you would want to be like.
• "No" is an answer.
• Having 700 friends on Facebook or whatever the next popular social network platform may be does not mean you really have 700 friends.  A friend is someone you can call at 2 a.m. and cry with or ask for help.  Therefore that 700 will probably be dwindled down to 3.
• Find a good church home that will help you learn and grow while at the same time contributing to the church, whether it be your time, prayers, or money.  And do not think that you will not be hurt in church.  You will be.  But learn and grown from it.
• Debt is dumb.  No matter how pushy a company can be or how great the deal sounds, believe me, it isn't a good deal.  Debt is dumb.
• Learn from me and your mama.  Learn from the good we do and learn from the bad we do.  Learn from others mistakes and learn from the good choices others make.  You can always learn, even if it's from a bad example.
• It's ok to be called Nerd or Geek.  That just means you are doing something right.
• It's ok to stand up for yourself but it's not ok to be bullied.  Violence is not the answer, but you must be ready to defend yourself if you must.  Don't worry.  By the time you get to this "bullet", hopefully you'll learn from me how to appropriately apply this.
• It's ok for you to like the Texas Rangers, and it's ok for me to like the New York Yankees.  It is NOT ok to like the Boston Red Sox. Ever.  
• Garbage in, Garbage out.
• One day you'll tell me that you hate me or that you hate your mama.  One day you'll tell me you can't wait to be 18 years old and leave the house.  One day you'll also thank me and your mama for how "strict" you thought we were.  And we really do know you love us no matter what you say
• Always be ready to volunteer to help those who are less fortunate than you.  Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen or participate in a food drive.  Don't wait for someone else to volunteer, because if not you then who?  If not now, then when?
• Respect the American Flag.  Stand during the National Anthem.  Men and Women have died for your freedom.
• Never let money jeopardize your integrity.  It's better to be poor with integrity than to be rich with no integrity.  Always work as though you are working for God and do not be concerned by the mocking of lazy people.  Your hard work will be noticed by those around you and by God, but care more what God thinks then those around you.  Read the Book of Daniel to see what I mean.
• Choose reading a book over watching the TV.  Trust me on this one.  You'll thank me later. 
• Be wise with your money.  Tithe your money and invest your money.  Do not try to keep up with "Jone's".  Stay the course, and when you become an older woman you'll be debt free, with money to give away and to do nice things.  Again, you'll thank me later.
• Be a woman like your mama.  Your mama is a strong, beautiful and caring women.  Your mama will say be a better woman then she is, but I say be like your mama because in my eyes she is already perfect.
• Blood is thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood, therefore choose pancakes.  I kid, I kid.  Remember your roots and try to carve out some time for family.  If you don't, the enemy will try to use guilt to attack you.
• There is a battle going on for your soul everyday.  Be ready to go into battle, but remember that God has already won the war. 
• Spend some time every day with God by reading the bible and by praying.  Just like investing your money, consider this an investment in your spiritual life.
• Spend time in the gym, eat healthy and be active.  Just like investing your money and investing in your spiritual life, invest in your health.  You will want to enjoy your retirement by being healthy.
• Your brother is watching you, so be an example.  He is your best friend and he will want to hang out with you.  Consider this a blessing.
• Find a boy who is better then your daddy.  Find a man who is smarter and more Godly than me.  DO NOT believe what is in magazines or what is on TV.  Do not believe that you should follow your heart when it comes to "love".  That is stupid advice and those people are just trying to make money.  Use wisdom and you will know when that right man comes along. 
• This is important, so read this carefully.  The day some boy asks you to marry him, and IF you say yes, and IF we think that this boy is good enough for you, and IF you are walking down the aisle, and IF you do not think beyond a shadow of doubt that this is the man God has intended for you, it's ok to walk right up to me and tell me.  No matter how much money is spent on the wedding, and no matter how pressured you may feel, it's ok to walk away.  It's ok to feel a little embarrassed at that time then to spend the rest of your life with a man that is not right for you.  I would rather spend millions and millions of dollars for you to walk away then to spend millions and millions of dollars for you to go through a wedding and wind up with a boy who is wrong for you.  We will leave the palce together and probably grab a cup of coffee.
• Marriage is sacred, and vows are important.  It's not ok to give up on a marriage because it just "feels" right to give up.  For better or for worse is not just a cute saying, but something that is mandatory in all marriages. So fight for your marriage and seek God always.  Draw close to God first and drawing close to your husband will happen naturally.   
• Always tell your mama and brother that you love them.  Always hug them.  This will make their day.
• One day me and your mama will no longer be on this Earth with you, but remember always the teachings we have imparted on you and remember that no matter what, we will always Love You.

   This is by no means all you will learn from me and your mama, but these are reminders.  I have prayed for you, even before you were born, that you will become a Godly woman who will change the world.  Whether the world is just your home, your community, your school, or the world itself, I pray that you are a world changer.  I love you.

Love,
Daddy

To be a Yankee or not. That is the question. At least in my house.

   I love the Yankees.  I bleed Yankee blue and when I get to Heaven I will continue to bleed Yankee blue.  But what would you do if you're little princess comes to you and says she likes the Rangers too.  What?! Does my ears deceive me?  Yes, she said Rangers.  Something happened though.  I finally gave in and told her that it's OK for her to like the Rangers.  That it's OK to cheer for them because that's her home team.  I had to let go a little bit of my 5 year old daughter and let her spread her little wings from the grip of her daddy.  Did you notice that I said a little?  She's still 5 years old ya know.  At least she didn't approach me and said that she likes Boston.  That would be grounds of her being kicked out of the will.

  Today's event made me realize something.  This is where I bring it back to God.  God allows me to spread my wings.  He allows the freedom of choice, and I choose Christ.  Do I fall?  You have no idea how hard I can fall.  But I try.  I try to be a good dad like God is to me.  Whether Jurnee likes the Rangers, or the Yankees I will continue to love her unconditionally just like God loves me unconditionally.

This ain't your worldly Easter....

   What is the true meaning of Easter?  I can start by telling you what Easter isn't.  Easter is not Reese cups. Easter is not about Thumper running around hiding eggs for our kids to find.  Easter is not about a big ol' lunch or even watching baseball.  All those things are nice and whatnot, but it is not the real meaning of Easter.  I believe that we can get so wrapped up in all the other stuff that the meaning of Easter gets a little faded.  Sure, we'll pray and Thank God at lunch or dinner for God sending Jesus, but do we really know what that looks like?  I know that I can get the meaning of Easter all messed up at times.  I wish that when I write a blog that I can tell you all that I am so holy and amazing and that I walk the straight and narrow all the time, but that's not the case.  I like all the other stuff sometimes that by me writing a blog, it helps to keep me in check.  It helps me stay vigilant and stay the course. 

   Since I have been writing these blogs I have been in a constant battle with the enemy.  Satan will throw a couple of body shots my way to knock me down.  I have been finding it a struggle to get back into the battle at times, but I know for the sake of my family and myself that I must.  I know that the closer I draw to God the more distractions will be present.  The kids will get sick.  I will start to get sick and I haven't been sick in a long time.  The car will have issues or the baseball game will be on.  Petty disagreements with family and friends will arise or some sort of financial crisis will hit.  Just watch.  The more you cling to God and draw closer to him, the more the enemy will attack.  I acknowledge the fact that as a son of God that I have ultimately won the war and nowhere in the Bible does it say that being a believer was or is easy.  

   God sent His Son Jesus to walk among us over 2000 years ago.  Jesus walked this Earth and died for my sins because He loves me.  Because He loves you.  Jesus was beaten.  Jesus was whipped.  Jesus was punched, kicked, spit on, cursed at, and wore a crown of thorns.  For what?  Because He served those who were poor?  Who were sinners?  Jesus was an innocent man who showed love.  Jesus made a blind man see, made a lame man walk, and made a dead man alive again.  And for this He was nailed to a tree. Really?  How does that make you feel?  I'll be honest with you.  If I were Jesus, and if I was the one hanging on that cross, I would call all the Angels of Heaven down and destroy all my enemies.  And that's why I fall short.  Jesus did the opposite of how I feel.  Jesus prayed for these people and asked God to forgive them.  Jesus just hung there with the entire worlds sin on his shoulders so we can spend eternity in Heaven with Him.  He was the ultimate sacrifice.  

   Jesus was placed in the tomb and heavily armed guards stood watch to make sure Jesus' pals would not move the body and make him a martyr.  If Jesus died then that would be the end of this story.  But it's not.  Jesus rose from the tomb.  Let me rephrase this.  Jesus beat death.  Jesus beat death so we could spend eternity in Heaven.  That's the real meaning of Easter.  Jesus beat death.  Or as you may hear, He rose from the Grave.  Jesus is a stud and I am no Jesus.  I try to live by the example that Jesus modeled, but I fail at times.  But Jesus never fails and He has never failed me, no matter how stupid I can be or the stupid things I do.  Happy Easter everyone and why not do something calorie free and give thanks to Jesus that YOU didn't have to hang on a tree. 

April 1st. National Atheist Day

   The first time I saw that bumper sticker "April 1st.  National Atheist Day" I laughed and laughed and laughed.  But now the more I think about it the more it makes me a little sad.  I am friends with some pretty hardcore atheist's and I don't want them to wind up in Hell.  I have a t-shirt that says. "Friends Don't Let Friends Go To Hell." I try to witness to them but they just reject what I say.  They respect my right to believe in Christ, but they don't agree.  So instead of bible beating them, I try to do the next best thing.  I try to lead by example.  But I also try to be transparent to them.  I let them see me fail.  I let them get a glimpse of who I am.  But I also use wisdom in what I show them.  I am very good at showing people only what I want to show them.  Except my wife of course.  She sees right through me. There are some people who will try to hurt you and use what you give them against you.  So I just pray for wisdom when sharing with people I know.  I try to preach to people to be careful of who you air out your dirty laundry to.  Sometimes people don't want to be around the stink and then there are others who will use it as gossip.  I think that at times, in a church enviroment, we can be naive and use prayer requests as a form of gossip.  I'm sure there is not harm intended, but it can be the nature we breed. But I digress.

   Matthew 5 14-16 says,¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."  But what does that mean to you?  Me and my wife share that verse with our daughter at least once a day.  We want her to be fearless in sharing her faith and we want her to be an example in the world.  But for me, being a parent is one of the most humbling things in this world.  God will speak to me through my daughter, and my wife does a great job pointing out my inconsistencies when sharing life lessons with our daughter.  Sometimes I am the fool and it's not just on April 1st.  I believe that the majority of parents feel this way at times though.  I will tell my daughter that we need to pray for those who don't like us, or our enemies, but I struggle to do this.  And if I do, my prayers for my enemies aren't for their salvation, but for a punch in the eye.  I try to mold my daughter's heart into a Godly heart while mine is polluted.  My daughter is a better person than I am and she's not even 6 years old yet.  God continues to teach me and at times break me down by the words and actions of a child.  Thank God for my wife.  Thank God for my children and Thank God for the Cross. I know that me and my wife are a good balance for each other and for our kids, but it can sometimes be an eye opener for what's really going on in my heart.  But if God told us that King David was a man after God's own heart, then there is hope for me.

  To be an example I also have to prepare myself for battle.  Ephesians 6 10-18 is a great example of what I need to do to prepare myself.  If you don't know these verses they tell us to, "¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." 

  Being a veteran, I can visualize putting on the armor of God.  But did you notice that these verses said nothing about protecting your back?  In verse 14 it mentions the breastplate of righteousness, but never mentions anything about protecting the back.  Do you know why?  The early Roman military armor did not include that back protection and the only direction for them to go was forward.  Plowing right through the enemy.  That's what we need to do.  We need to keep pushing forward.  We need to keep pressing through the enemy and staying the course.  Joshua 1:9 says, "⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”  So be strong, be the light and stay the course.

It's ok to cry and a little Fort Worth MS Walk

  I am not a big crier.  I shed a tear once when the Yankees lost a playoff series.  I shed a tear when John Elway retired.  I shed a tear during the 3 Superbowl loses of the Denver Broncos. I even shed a tear when my dad died.  But really cry?  I can only remember a few times.  The night on the beach when I was 17 and I gave my life to Christ and the other was when Miriam was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  Jurnee was about 14 months old and was running a high fever.  Miriam got a little scared when a friend suggested that the numbness that Miriam was experiencing could be a possible blood clot.  I tease Miriam that I told her for months to go to the Doctor, but after she talks to a girl friend we had to go to the Emergency Room.  Well, we went to the ER just a few days before Christmas 2007.  The ER doc wanted to run some tests and also an MRI.  We waited ad waited in the ER room for the results with poor Jurnee being sick.  The Doc came back and suggested we go see a Neurologist after the Holiday's.  The MRI showed a spot on Miriam's spine and brain.  It hit us pretty hard.  I tried to be strong, but I was weak on the inside.  We went to Church that next Sunday and I just broke down with a buddy/pastor at our church.  It was ok to cry.

  We have been raising money and participating in the MS walk since 2008.  I am proud to walk.  I am proud to fundraise and I am proud of Miriam.  Miriam is a trooper and one of the strongest women I know. She chases two kids around all day.  She gets a shot in her leg once a week, administered by me, and she keeps on going.  She hardly complains, and when she does complain about the heaviness in her legs and feet, it's just in passing.  She is tough, she is strong, but most of all she is loving and compassionate.  Miriam wants to help those more then she wants to help herself.  I am proud to call her my wife.  And that's why I fundraise.  I want to find a cure for this disease.

  The MS walk helps me to stay motivated.  A few years ago I ran the MS 5K.  While I was finishing up my run I noticed a group completing the 1 mile portion of the walk.  When I got closer, the group surrounded a person who was using a walker.  This person was moving slow and you could tell by his face that it was painful for him, but he would not give up.  He kept moving.  This man reminded me how important it is to keep moving.  To not give up.  To push through the pain even when it hurts.  This man had more strength and motivation than most people in this world.

  If you'd like to donate or just want to learn a little more about MS click HERE  The link will take you to my MS page.

The Eulogy but not a Lie

  God is still alive.  The Bible says that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Believing that, I still know that God still speaks to us through His word, through people and through dreams.  My dad died when I was 20 years old.  I still remember the events leading up to the moment I was told.  I was stationed at Altus AFB in Oklahoma.  It was April 19, 2000.  A Wednesday night.  I had an evening shift at work but requested about 2 hours off so I could attend church.  My best friend, D, was speaking that night since our Pastor was on vacation.  My buddy,  just separated from the Air Force and was working as a civilian on the base.  After church I headed back to work.  As soon as I got settled back in, I started to get the simulator ready to train my trainee.  My trainee came up to me and asked me if everything was ok.  I said yes and asked him why.  He told me that the First Sergeant, the Commander, and the Chaplain had been calling up at work.  I just laughed him off and said, "Sure glad it isn't about me."  I told my trainee we needed to get back to training.  Just then my buddy, who preached that night at church, and who was now a civilian, entered the RAPCON.  I didn't really pay any attention to it since I just saw him and since it hadn't been that long since he stopped working there.  About 10 minutes later the Assistant Chief Controller asked me to come into the office.

  The news just hung in the air after I was told my dad died.  We didn't know anything more since my dad was working for the Department of Defense in Italy.  My mom and sister were stateside because my baby sister had to get MedEvac'd back to the states because she had overdosed on some drugs.  My other sister was the one who found my dad dead on the bathroom floor and called for help.  She had just gotten back from a little trip to Amsterdam.  My grandfather, a retired Navy Master Chief, called the American Red Cross to have them break the news to me. I understand because all the emotions were raw.  My mom took an emotional beating because she was not there with my dad.  My sisters took an emotional beating because of all the events that surrounded his death.  And as for me, I was just numb.  I didn't know what to do, what to say or even what to feel.  The last time I saw my dad was when I was in Air Traffic School in Mississippi.  I was 18 years old.

   The Dream.  Before the news of my dads death I had a dream the weekend before.  In my dream my dad died of a virus.  I woke up suddenly, sweaty and my heart beating fast.  After I got my bearings I realized that it was only a dream.  I went back to bed and had the exact same dream.  It seemed so real that when I woke up I felt sad and empty on the inside.  I called my dad that morning.  He was in Italy and when he answered the phone I could tell he had been drinking.  I called my dad to tell him that I loved him and that I forgave him for the abuse and for everything.  He just laughed in a drunken manner and said he loved me too.  Three days later he was dead.  I believe in all my heart that God gave me that dream in order for me to call my dad and have that conversation with him.  I believe with all my heart that if my dad had died and I didn't talk to him and told him that I forgave him that I would have been more messed up than I was.

   My best friend, D, would't let me be alone in the dorm room that night and told me that I would be staying with him and his family.  I had to prepare for a trip to Va. Beach.  My dads body was being flown from Italy to Dover AFB and then down to Va. Beach.  I had to catch a flight, and I had two great friends, Steve and Angela that sacrificed their time to drive me to Tinker AFB in Oklahoma City so I could catch a military flight.  Needless to say, the first plane never landed at Tinker.  It just kept on flying to Va.  The only other ride I could get was on a C-5 and that plane was going to Dover.  I had no choice but to take it.  Before I left, D had prayed with me and told me to read the book of Ecclesiastes.  That was the best advice I could have received at the time.  I read that book in the bible...twice.  If you just lost someone, or just going through a rough spot in life, I plead with you to read Ecclesiastes.

  When I arrived at Dover I met my mom, sister, and my Uncle.  It was a rough homecoming.  It was awkward and I was still numb.  The next morning I was asked to give the Eulogy.  But what do I say about a man, whom I grew to detest because of the way I was treated growing up even though I told him I forgave him?  What do I say about a man whom I hadn't seen or really spoken to for two years?  I prayed.  I prayed for guidance, strength, and wisdom. I didn't want to lie, but I also wanted to show love and mercy.  When I gave the eulogy I remember standing in front of everyone but I don't remember what was said.  I remember having written notes, but I don't remember what was on them.  I just know that what I said were words that God gave me, I honored my dad by not lying, but by speaking God's truth.



 

Time Management and a little bit of Baseball

   I don't think that it's a secret that I love Baseball.  Especially New York Yankee baseball.  I became a fan of the Yankees while growing up in Norfolk.  Before my Grandmother was murdered she would send me Yankee memorabilia.  Norfolk had a Triple A baseball team.  They were called the Tidewater Tides, now the Norfolk Tides.  The Major League Team affiliated with the Tides were the New York Mets.  Now my Grandmother, who lived in Denver, confused the Major League Team and sent me all Yankee items.  I still remember the Yankee "Piggy Bank" she sent me.  I miss that thing.

  My parents were not really big sports followers.  My dad never had time for such things, and my mom tried to follow Denver Bronco football.  So I grew up following Baseball and Football.  I loved Sports.  My old man could never figure out how I got so wrapped up into sports because he wasn't a big follower.  My Grandparents helped fuel my passion.  From the time I was about 8 years old I followed the Yankees.  I grew up watching guys like Dave Winfield, Chuck Knoblauch, and Don Mattingly.  I remember when Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettite, and Mariano Rivera came into the league.  I LOVE YANKEE BASEBALL.  Maybe a little too much.

  What if?  What if I spent as much time reading my bible, studying the word, and even devoting some time with God that I do following baseball?  What if I turned off the MLB Network or ESPN long enough to be with God?  Ah Ha!!  That's the trick.  We tend to blame Satan for the wedge he puts between us and God.  And there is truth to that.  The enemy will do all he can do to distract us, to take our attention off God and onto other things.  We all have a choice.  God isn't a micro-manager.  If He were, he wouldn't have put the forbidden tree in the garden of Eden.  He placed it there to give us a choice.  To follow and obey Him, or not.  That's important to hear, because many many many people believe that being a Christian means adhering to strict rules.  That's like me saying that I'm a strict parent because I won't allow my daughter to play in the street.  We have that rule in place for her safety.  God has given us instructions for our safety, and if we don't follow Him we get burned and then we get upset at God.  Why?  It's not like we were tricked or didn't know better.  We know that drinking too much alcohol will cause us to be drunk.  We know that doing drugs will cause us to do stupid stuff.  We know that stealing is wrong.  We know that lying is wrong.  But if we do one of those things and something bad happens then we don't want to take responsibility for our own actions.

   There is something else I know.  WE. LIVE. IN. A. IMPERFECT. WORLD.  Sorry to be the one to break the news to you.  People die of cancer.  Babies die and people are taken from the world sooner than we expect them to.  You knew this too didn't you?  BUT....here's the kicker...GOD'S STILL IN CONTROL.  The enemy may try to make us stumble, the enemy may try to tempt you, and the enemy will lie to you.  Here's a lie that Satan tried to put in my mind when my dad died.  The enemy tried to make me feel like it was God's fault.  I began to believe that lie.  Another lie that the enemy put in my head was that my dad was in Hell.  Now, one thing that I learned over time is that I don't really know what kind of relationship that my dad had with Christ.  I was tempted to turn my back on God forever, but this is what 1 Corinthians 10:13 told me though, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God IS FAITHFUL, and He WILL NOT let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He WILL ALSO PROVIDE the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  How did God provide for me you ask?  Glad you asked.  He provided a strong church family, a great friend, and a great support system.  Without those in place, only God knows where I would be today.


   In no way am I perfect.  I still stumble.  I still fall.  But I know that I am never alone.  The feeling that I may get at times that it's just me against the world is only a lie.  You see, when I die, I know where I will end up.  My body will be 6 feet under, but not my soul.  My body is only an Earth Tent like 2 Corinthians 5:1 says.  I need to do a better job with time management, and my prayer is that we all do a better job with that.  I pray that if you're reading this that you know where you're be when you die.

Questions that began to form....a continuation of the 2 previous posts

(This is a continuation of the previous posts.)  Questions began to form.  Would my parents divorce?  They did not, but our house would never be the same.  Every argument my mom and dad for years later, he would call her names such as “slut” and “whore”.  This is something that we should not have been exposed too.  My distrust in women I believed stemmed from this episode.  I have prayed that God protect me and help me, but there were times in my life where I started to think that my girlfriends were cheating on me, and I have tried hard to guard against that in my marriage.  I recognize what the enemy has tried to do, and by making me doubt things in my marriage will cause a domino effect.  All of us have this shape in our hearts and souls.  It is a Jesus size hole that we can only fill with the love, grace, and forgiveness of Jesus, the one and only living God.  But for years I had tried to fill that hole with the love from women.  

      I bring us back to the moment when I have the gun in my shaky hand.  It is a Saturday night and I cry out to God.  I remember crying for Jesus to save me.  It was as though the darkness around me lifted and I was aware of everything around me.  I pick myself off the beach, drive back home and place the gun back in the safe.  I don't sleep that night and get up the next morning and drive myself to church.  After the sermon the pastor gives the invitation and I walk out in complete faith and give myself over to God.  I wish I could say that from that moment on life has been easy, but it has not.  And if you think you need to be "good" or do good "works" to get to Heaven, than you are mistaken.  The gift of Salvation is FREE.  That's right.  Free.  Jesus was beaten and nailed to a cross for my sins.  For your sins.  Romans 3:23  "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 6:23a  "...The wages of sin is death..."Romans 6:23b  "...But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."Romans 5:8,  "God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"  

You see.  I can't make this stuff up.  The TRUTH is so much better than any Testimony that I may have.  Pray for God to come into your life and guide you.  It's just that easy. 

I have been asked in the past to share my testimony with the church.  Mainly with youth kids.  There is something that actually bothers me.  In the Church, no matter what denomination, it feels as though it's "He who has the best testimony wins."  It shouldn't be like that at all.  We shouldn't glorify those that did drugs, cheated, killed, or lied and then turn their life over to Christ.  We should praise God for the turnaround, but My testimony, or others that you may have heard in past means that we have had it any harder than you.  Let me share a story.  After I shared my testimony with a fairly large youth group, a young girl about 12-13 years old approached me with tears in her eyes.  After talking with her in front of the stage, she shared with me that she wished she had a testimony like me because her testimony is that she was born and raised in a Christian home, with both parents still married, and she became a Christian at age 11.  I was heartbroken.  I told her that that was the testimony to have, not mine.  Do you realize how difficult it is to be a Christian in schools these days?  To constantly feel attacked?  To be joked and put down?  To constantly debate with teachers or friends about Christ's love? 

    I am no one important.  I am just a man.  A man who loves Christ, who loves his family, who continues to make mistakes, and continues to seek God.  

And so it continues....

My dad was an alcoholic.  He was a very abusive man both physically and verbally.  Many of you know what I mean. Many of you are living that right now.  But it’s not your fault.  He would hit my mom and many times he would hit my mom with the belt.  He would push me; hit me, and my sisters.  There were times he would pull our hair and I can remember when he got so angry with my sister that he was on top of her choking her.  How could God, a loving God allow this to happen to my sisters and me?  How could my mom be with a man like this I thought?  My dad was a good guy when he wasn’t drinking, and I guess the best example I could give of my dad’s actions are those of Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. I remember the time in high school when I was called to the counselors office.  A social worker was there and my counselor was there.  They both wanted to ask me questions about my dad. I guess my sister wasn’t scared to speak up, but the same couldn’t be said for me.  They asked me if my dad was abusive, if he would beat us.  The answer of course was “yes”, but I defended my dad and said we got spanked just like any other kid would if they misbehaved.  I was sticking up for this man who would leave marks on me and who would leave the top of my head sore from pulling my hair and hitting me in the head.  I regret not speaking up, because the abuse would continue.  My sisters and me were abused, but sometimes I feel as though my younger sister may have taken it the worse.  She robbed our neighbor’s house, and hid the goods under my parent’s waterbed.  She was suspended from school for things like fighting and selling drugs.  She attempted suicide, but failed.  She would slash her wrists and finally ended up in a psychiatric institute in the Tidewater area.  Our family was ordered to go to court appointed family counseling.  Yet another outlet for me and my sisters to blow the whistle on my dad’s abusive behavior, and yet another time I did not speak up.  My younger sister was the only one to speak up, but because of her actions, no one took them seriously. It took many years for me to speak up when confronted and not remain silent.  I trusted no one.    

I would graduate middle school with a 3.9 or so grade point average.  When I entered High School that would all change.  My dad was a smart man.  He completed 12 years in the Navy as an enlisted man, and got a job with the Department of Defense installing computers on Naval ships and submarines.  He loved math and solving problems.  He expected a lot from his children especially in the area of academics.  I prided myself on being like my dad in the scholastic arena, with making A’s and B’s, but something happened when I hit the 9th grade.  All men who are a little older know what I am talking about.  Girls.  I began to notice girls.  They were not just girls though; these high school girls were women in my eyes.  I was 14 and there were these 17 and 18-year-old women all around me.  I couldn’t contain myself, and this was the beginning of the end of the 3.9 G.P.A.  In 9th grade I was enrolled in classes such as A.P English, A.P History, Algebra, and other classes of the sorts.  After the first semester of high school my report card started to spell words such as D-A-D and C-A-B and B-A-D.  I think Bad would be a good word to use.  My grades were bad, in fact horrible.  I was scared to bring it home to my dad.  I was in uncharted territory and did not know how to respond.  Was I going to have to be that one kid who beat his parents home to hide the report card?  When I got home I walked in with my mom standing there looking at a piece of paper.  I knew what it was.  It was my report card.  My dad would be home in a few hours and I just went straight to my room without saying a word.  I began to plan my funeral.  In my head I could imagine a great funeral with bagpipes playing Amazing Grace.  I heard my dad pull into the driveway, and my palms were sweaty.  I heard the front door open and close and my mom and dad talk.  I heard the T.V. cause my sisters were watching it.  After 20 minutes of wondering what would happen next, my dad came into the room with the belt.  “Bend over the side of the bed”, he ordered.  I got my spankings.  Every time I tried to move the belt would move faster in the air.  I got what seemed to be 10 spankings, but I knew it was much more then that.  My dad was angry.  After he left my room, my mom came in and told me to get ready to go to the Y.M.C.A.  As a family we went maybe 3 times a week.  My dad and I use to play racquetball, but I knew tonight wasn’t going to be a fun night.  My dad and I played a game, but instead of hitting the wall, my dad would hit me with the ball as hard as he could.  Some I would dodge, and others made contact.  One hit me in the chest and it welted up.  I couldn’t escape.  I was trapped.  I could have sought help with my grades, instead I entered my senior year with a 1.9 G.P.A.  I was ineligible to swim had to take 4 English classes my senior year in order to graduate. I buckled down and graduated with over a 2.0 G.P.A and amazingly an Advanced Studies diploma.   

A few years earlier, another defining moment in my life was one that I believe would cause more damage than being abused.  It would play a role in my respect for women. I remember being about 10, but I cannot remember exactly. .  I know it was before my Grandmother was murdered.  I have always tried to block it from my memory.   An elderly woman and two men occupied the house to the left of ours.  I remember the guys name for it seems as though it is engraved in my skull.  His name was Stan and it took me years to forgive him.  Our family befriended these people, and there were times that this man would be at the house swimming in our above ground pool and having some beers with my dad.  I remember my dad being at work and me and my sisters watching T.V.  As a good nosy son I was I pushed my little face against the window to see what my mom was doing.  My mom and Stan were standing on our side of the fence talking with the other man.  The second man was standing on his side of the fence facing me, while my mom and Stan were standing with their backs to me.  I remember this next action being in slow motion.  This man, who was taller than my mom, turned to her, bent over and kissed her.  WOW!!  This man kissed my mom on the lips.  I had only seen my dad do this.  My heart sank and I sat back confused.  I think my mom may have noticed me backing away from the window.  I dashed to the kitchen sink to do dishes, the task I was given before my mom went outside.  Minutes later my mom came inside and told me not to tell my dad, that this was our little secret.  I was confused.  Being secretive should not have been something that should have been asked from a pre-teen.  I loved my mom, but I also loved my dad.  What should I do?  Later that night we went for a walk, and guess who came with me, my mom, and sisters?  You got it.  Stan. My mom and Stan held hands on our walk, and my stomach twisted in knots.  I could not believe this.  Weeks later, my mom went M.I.A after an explosive argument with my dad.  I went to my best friends house to see if she was hiding there.  My dad was crying and did not know where his wife was.  The phone finally rang, and my dad answered it.  He said “Where are you?” and with a hard hang up, he told us to get in the car.  We drove for what seemed to be hours, but it was only 10 minutes.  There was my mom standing by a pay phone in the Food Lion parking lot.  Stan was in a vehicle a few spots from my mom.  My mom got in the car and that’s when all hell broke loose.  I don’t remember the entire conversation and for the sake of keeping this a PG rating post for now, my dad asked my mom if she slept with this man.  She never answered, but later I would overhear a conversation she would have with my grandma telling her she had slept with this man.  This was one of only 3 times I witnessed my dad cry. The other times were at the death mf my grandma and the third when I was brought home after threatening to commit suicide for a second time.........  

In the beginning.........

As a beginning of a Toby Mac song goes “Stories.  We all got ‘em.”  But what does that have to do with me writing this to you?  Well, there has to be a beginning and I didn’t know where to start.  All great writers have this attention getting statement, but I couldn’t come up with a catchy one.  I begin this by saying that I am doing this in pure obedience to God.  For years I have felt this tug at my heart to share my testimony with those who may have lost someone, for those who think that life can not get any worse, or for those who may be contemplating suicide.  My name is Jimmy Clouse.  I was born in Portsmouth, Virginia in 1979.  That’s where I will begin my story I suppose.  There always has to be a beginning.  My dad, whom I am named after, was a military man.  He was in the Navy and he followed the footsteps of his dad.  My mom, Cindy, was a stay at home mom, a job in which I respect all women for.  Let’s jump approximately 17 years into the future.  The year is 1997 and it’s a summer night in Virginia Beach.  I have tears running down my face, and my hands are trembling.  I hear the waves crashing against the shore, and I am on my knees.  I hear a siren in the distance and I am utterly alone.  At least that’s what the devil wants me to believe.  He wants me to believe that I don’t belong here.  I have a gun in my hand, which is the reason my hand trembles.  The gun is my fathers’, and I took it from the safe.  My dad was working part time as a security guard at the Norfolk Grey Hound station at the time, and the safe was not locked.  “Just my luck” I thought before I left the house.  Before I left the house, I witnessed, yet again, another drunken episode by my dad.  He came into the house in a rage, yelling at mom and beating me and my sisters down with his words that made me feel as though I could do nothing right.  But why do I have his gun you may ask?  Well, I was going to commit suicide.  With tears on my face and a light breeze off the ocean, I placed the gun barrel in my mouth tasting that cold steel.  I take it out. Scared. Then I place the gun to the side of my head.  With the gun ‘s barrel pressed firmly against my head, my hands really begin to shake.  I begin to cry and lower the gun.  “What am I doing?” I ask myself.  "How did I get here?  I’m a popular guy.  I am one of the Captains on the swim team, I don’t think I’m an ugly dude, so what could have caused me to be on the beach, in the middle of the night ready to end my life?"

The day is August 19, 1992.  We live in Roland Park in Norfolk, VA.  I have two sisters.  I am the oldest sibling. We are playing in our backyard on a swing set that my dad built for us.  It only has two swings, and my dad never completed the slide, but there is a platform and we have fun with what we have.  I remember that we have a few of our friends playing at the house with us.  It’s about 10 a.m in the morning when my dad comes in the backyard and asks our friends to leave.  He asks us kids to come into the house.   We’re confused, because we think we have done something wrong.  But this time it’s different.  My mom is crying, and my dad sits us down.  He tells us that our grandmother, my mom’s mom, and my uncle, my mom’s half brother, have been murdered.  But that wasn’t all.  They have been murdered by my grandfather. My sisters and I don’t know how to react.  We live in Virginia and my mom’s parents live in Edgewater, Colorado, just outside of Denver.  If there was a day that I had to pin point a day I grew from being a child into a man, I would pin point this day...............